Have Fun

I really could end this post with just the title. It should be that simple: being a dad is fun. Kids love to have fun, and sometimes I forget that I'm still a kid that likes to have fun too. Too often, I find myself getting serious, thinking too much about routines, rules, etc. Although these things are important, taking time to be silly is just as important.

I've been on vacation visiting my brother and his family this week, and we've had a blast. We knew routines would be off, and we were okay with that. The kids have just loved exploring, doing fun things, and playing with new toys. The frustrating part for me though is that they're having so much fun, they're having a really hard time listening. For meal time or bedtime, it's like I'm invisible. They're so caught up in what they're doing, they act like they don't hear me.

It's times like these I need to remind myself to have a little fun. Yes, no one likes to be ignored, but they are in their own little world. I just need to get inside that world of play and fun, connect with them, and then remind them it's time to [clean up, get to the table, brush teeth].

I've found this is especially helpful with Micah. That boy just wants to play and be silly. He does much better if I tell him he has a few minutes of silly time before we put on PJs. Allowing myself to be silly also reminds me that being a dad is fun, and helps me let go of whatever is starting to get me frustrated.

This vacation has also reminded me to importance of doing fun things as a family. My brother is all about helping his kids create fun memories and living life to have fun. He is a great example of a "successful marriage and family [that is] established and maintained upon ...wholesome recreational activities" Life can be so much more enjoyable. when I just relax, stop thinking about messes and planning, and just be in the moment.

Yes, Yes

The book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" states that to win someone to your way of thinking, start with questions to which the other person will answer "yes." Another book I read recently, "Thinking, Fast and Slow," has some interesting research on this idea from a psychological perspective and how our decisions are influenced by so many subtle cues around us.  This technique of starting with small "yes"s is used by anyone from people selling stuff, to candidates running for president of the United States.

I'll sometimes try this with the kids, although Arilyn doesn't fall for it as much anymore. When I start asking questions, she catches on and will just say, "I don't know." It was actually really funny the other day when she used this technique with Micah, trying to convince him we should have oatmeal instead of pancakes for breakfast:

• Arilyn: Micah, do you remember when we had instant oatmeal this week?
• Micah: Yea.
• Arilyn: Did you get to put lots of raisins in it? Did you like lots of raisins?
• Micah: Yeah!

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I witnessed this going on. She's a little too smart for her own good.

I find I usually use this when it's clean up time. "Are these your shoes? Did you play with them today? Is it your job to put them away?"

Not a sure-fire technique (nothing ever is), but I do find it works sometimes.

Bad Day, Good Data

When I  started this blog, I wanted to make sure I stayed real. I don't want to come across as an expert by any means. I wish I could say that I consistently practice each of the concepts I've blogged about so far, but I can't say that.

What I can say though is that this blog is helping me be a better dad, as I seek understanding and practice tips to blog about. When I have a rough night, the best thing for me to do is replay what happened and analyze. For you programmers out there, it's like opening up the debugger and stepping through each method, line by line until you identify the bug.

As I've mentioned before, I did an internship at VitalSmarts a while back. There is a chapter in their "Change Anything" book called "Be the Scientist and the Subject" which talks about turning bad days into good data. Well, I decided to give that a shot this past week after I had a night where I wasn't the parent I wanted to be.

Honestly, self-analyzing gets a little exhausting, but being a dad isn't for sissies, so I tried to stick it out and really figure this out. I realized I've already identified strategies that work (like the Temper Triangle and the Teaching Flowchart); it's just that I forget about them or do a poor job executing them.

I decided to start a spreadsheet to identify some key data points. My spreadsheet just has a few columns to make it quick and easy for me. As an end-user of my own spreadsheet, I knew it had to be quick and easy to do if I was going to be doing it each night. Here's what I came up with

• Date
• Crucial Moment (a term borrowed from the VitalSmarts authors as well)
• Notes
• Next Time

For both good nights and bad night, I identified the moment that seemed to make or break the evening. On nights where there was a tantrum and I handled it well, I asked myself, "What was it I did that helped the situation turn into a learning experience?" On the night I yelled, I took a step back and thought, "What one decision could I have changed so that I could have been in a better position to handle myself better?"

For better or worse, once I started this data collection, I observed the Hawthorne Effect in my own behavior, so my data from this week has only been positive. I find that when I become an objective observer of my own behavior and I know I'm being "watched" my behavior improves. But more than that, I was able to identify patterns in the good nights and recognize the good things I am doing.

Feedback and Praise

Not too long ago, I noticed that praise sometimes had the opposite effect of what I intended. I would notice Arilyn do something good, and I'd say, "Thanks for doing that Arilyn!" Sometimes she'd reply, "I don't want you to say 'thank you'" or she'd stop doing whatever it was I noticed. I asked myself, "How am I supposed to reinforce positive behavior when drawing attention to it seems to deter the very behavior I want to see more of?"

I googled around a bit and found an article that gave me some good insight (sorry, I can't find it again, or else I'd link to it!). My main takeaway was that instead of labeling a behavior as good or bad, state your observation and identify its natural consequences. The article also said that some kids, like many adults, aren't quite sure how to react to "thank you." Have you ever had someone say "thank you" for some trivial thing, and thought, "uhh, you're welcome. I guess."

If I am honest with myself, the main motivation for my "thank you" wasn't really that I appreciated what she was doing. Really, I was trying to influence her behavior and try to get her to do more of what I wanted her to do. Kids are pretty perceptive, and like the rest of us, don't want to feel manipulated.

I tweaked my approach a little, and I found I felt better about the feedback I gave, and the kids seemed to respond to it better. "Arilyn, I see that you put your plate in the sink! Thanks, that helps keep the kitchen clean." "Arilyn, you brushed your teeth without me having to ask you! Your teeth can be happy teeth now." "Micah, you put your shoes away! Now we know where to find them next time!"

This principle goes beyond parenting. In the workplace, giving feedback to coworkers is very important. You can find tons of business-y articles about effective ways to give feedback, and they focus on the same idea - explain your observation, be specific, explain the impact, be positive, etc. I find that I have more positive interactions with my kids when I remember that they are real people, and I need to treat them with the same (if not more) respect that I would treat a team member or coworker.

The classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" has a whole section on giving sincere praise. Carnegie gives several examples showing that people know when praise is insincere or manipulative. I want to give praise abundantly to my kids, but I need to make sure it is heartfelt.

I still say "good job" or give a simple "thank you." But the more often I make the effort to be specific and sincere, the more effective I find my praise and feedback.