Getting on the same Sheet1

I've been in Alaska on vacation this week, and time has just disappeared! Maybe it has something to do with the long daylight hours, or the non-stop scenery and wildlife, but either way I didn't put together a post. I figured this would happen, so I asked Jonathan to put together a post for me. Here it is:

Hello everyone! James asked me to do a guest post this week. I’m guessing it is because he’s in Alaska… I’m new to the blog writing world, so here goes my first try!

I assume most of the blog’s readers know me, but just in case, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Jonathan and I am James’ twin brother. I have a three-year old daughter, Cambria, and an almost two-year old, Corbin. I’m regular reader of Data Dad.

Today, I’d like to share a little tool that Melissa and I used that has helped us be a little more consistent in handling misbehavior. Since it involves Excel, it felt appropriate to share on DataData J.

At the end of the day, we reviewed the misbehavior (column A). We then decided on the rule and consequence. We also tried to identify if the misbehavior could be attributed to a need for power or control, in order to help us try to prevent it in the first place.  After about a week, we were able to identify some common themes that we could focus on.

This helped us not reinvent the wheel for every misbehavior. It also really helped to make the decision at a time when we could talk calmly and logically about what we wanted to do, instead of try to make the decision when I am beginning to be worn down. We’re also better able to talk to Cambria about the situation at a neutral time so that there can be a little more teaching involved when she is more ready to learn.

It also helped me be consistent, so that how I carry out consequences isn’t a function of my emotional state, but a response to Cambria’s behavior. I often struggle with how and when to address the misbehavior; knowing how I am going to respond ahead of time helps me stay calm when things get stressful. In theory, carrying out the consequence the first time will reduce “negotiating” and help teach Cambria where the limits are. Having the spreadsheet has also helped Melissa and I be more consistent between us, so that we don’t send mixed signals.

The spreadsheet doesn’t solve or address everything, but it has been helpful for us to be more consistent and to identify some root causes of some misbehavior. 

Examples:

Misbehavior: Tantrum when Corbin pushed the elevator button

Rule: Corbin pushes the outside button, Cambria pushes the inside button

Consequence: If Cambria pushes the outside button, she doesn't get to push the inside one

Misbehavior: Playing, stalling during bedtime

Rule: No playing until ready for bed and we still have time

Consequence: Toys are taken away if played with during the bedtime routine

Attention or power? We feel it comes from a need for control and power. 

Way to give it in a positive way?Cambria gets to choose the order of the bedtime routine, chooses if she wants help with her pajamas, etc. 

Be Happy

Last night Sadie and I were chatting, and I asked, "Are we happy?" It was the end of a hard night and a hard week or two. It seemed that every night someone was throwing an intense tantrum, and we were getting stressed. During the week, a good chunk of the time I spend with the kids is during bedtime, and when so much of that time involves negative interactions, I found it hard feel happy.

We (Sadie) said a heart-felt prayer, just trying to figure things out. Are we doing something wrong? Both of us felt tired of analyzing (yes, the data-dad tires of analysis), and we felt we needed something different. Something other than talks about logical/natural consequences, other than structure/empowerment, something besides techniques and flow charts.

We felt we need more love, understanding, and forgiveness (of ourselves and the kids). We need to be teachers, not dictators. We need to be more aware of their needs and abilities. We need more heart, laughter, and effort to be positive.

I read a talk during nap time today by Sister Holland entitled, "Parenting: Everything to do with the Heart." I really like this quote she shared:

"Communication is not nearly as much a matter of skill as it is of attitude. When our attitude is one of broken-heartedness and humility, of love and interest in our children’s welfare, then that cultivates communication. Our children recognize that effort on our part. On the other hand, when we are impatient, hostile, or resentful, it doesn’t matter what words we choose or how we try to camouflage our feelings. That attitude will be felt by their discerning hearts."

Sadie and I decided to start with a clean slate. We decided to take advantage of the Atonement, and not carry the negative feelings of the past into the future. Sure, we'll have more bad days and weeks, but we can be happy today and celebrate that. And we have.

That Ye Be Not Tempted

I am a fallen man. I am an imperfect parent. The temper I had as a kid, that lay dormant during years of relatively low stress, will sometimes manifest itself under the pressure and emotions that come parenting strong-willed, tired, preschoolers.

I need the influence of the Holy Ghost. I truly depend on the spirit and on Christ. I see how very incapable I am, how fallen I really am, and really, what a sinner I am. I want His influence in my life, but too often I make choices the reduce the influence of the Spirit in my life, and I am left exposed to the tendencies of my natural man.

The scriptures* teach us to pray to be protected against temptation and promise us that we will not be tempted beyond our ability to choose righteousness. I see a number of blessings from praying for protection against temptation:

1. By praying against temptation, I consciously recognize that temptation is real. As a result, I am on guard, and have an increased capacity to see temptations for what they are.
2. As I pray for strength against temptation, I concede that I am weak and I am unable to overcome the natural man on my own. Divine help and companionship of the spirit is essential to helping me make choices to overcome the tendencies of the natural man.
3. After I've prayed for protection against temptation, I can go forward with faith and confidence knowing that the Lord will assist me. When I recognize temptation for what it is, I know that the Lord has promised me that he wouldn't allow any temptation to come my way that was impossible for me to overcome.

I'm still building the habit of daily praying for protection against temptation, but when I do, I feel a tangible strength helping me recognize and overcome tendencies toward anger or frustration. The confidence, or hope really, builds on itself and engenders greater faith and hope as I am delivered from temptation.


*Many scriptures invite us to pray for protection from temptation
Alma 13:28 - "But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;"
Matthew 6:13 - "And suffer us not to be led into temptation, but deliver us from evil"
1 Cor 10:13 - "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it."

p.s. - Back toward the beginning of the year, I spent a couple weeks writing an essay/talk exploring these ideas and feelings. Much of the above is from those reflections. See it here.

Shrink the Change, Small Wins

I feel like I'm always referencing the same books, but there are a lot of very applicable ideas in them (the current book I'm listening to isn't as directly applicable).

Switch discusses an idea called "Shrink the Change" - basically saying that if we can break the change down to make it seem less intimidating, we're more likely to get started on it. The authors give a lot of interesting examples ranging from marketing and business strategies to personal routines. One example was the five-minute house clean up. Instead of trying to clean everything, just tell yourself you'll clean for five minutes. This is much more doable, and often leads you to do more anyway.
A different but related concept is discussed in The Power of Habit. The author discusses how small wins can give you a little dopamine boost, which then makes future success more achievable. Small wins form what he calls "keystone habits" - those habits that build success which then make success possible in other, un-related areas of life. Keystone habits range from making the bed, to exercising, to budgeting.

So what does this have to do with parenting? I observed both of these concepts playing out with my dad dashboard, particularly the bedtime scores. I shrunk the change by just focusing on one night at a time. I created small wins for myself by getting the three stars. I found them motivating, and the success seemed to build on itself. Small successes create the momentum needed for bigger wins.

Moral of the story: Create and seek for small wins. Celebrate the little things.

Birthday Letters

A few weeks before Arilyn was born, I wrote her a letter. I addressed the letter to her future self, to be opened on the day that she leaves home and goes off on her own. I included some advice, some current events, and my love for her and Sadie.
Since that first letter, I have written each kid a letter on each of their birthdays. Writing these letters has become a special way for me to connect to them, set a vision, and preserve some memories. It helps me to see their potential, and try to counsel them in areas that I as a father may need at a future point in their life. The most recent letter I wrote to Arilyn, I decided to address it to her twelve-year-old self. I hope it can give her a boost and confidence for her as she enters her teenage years.