Rely on the Lord

The church has a really great program for overcoming addictions. Over the past couple years, I've heard a lot of really great things about the program, and how it is helpful even if you don't struggle with addiction. After all - aren't we all trying to overcome the natural man and come closer to Christ?

After a string of difficult parenting moments where I did not act in a way to honor the sacred calling of fatherhood, I decided to work through the program for myself. I've been working on the program a night or two a week, studying the scriptures and writing out responses to the questions.

Step One (honesty) has really stuck with me. It states: "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable." At first I thought, "okay, I don't actually have an addiction, and my life isn't really unmanageable, so I'll just read this stuff as if it doesn't apply to me." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I truly am powerless to overcome the natural man on my own. Without Christ, my life really is unmanageable.

I have begun praying daily with this approach - being honest with the Lord and admitting that I am powerless on my own. It has really helped invite the spirit in my life, and helped me truly feel my reliance on the Savior. It has helped me let go of power struggles and open up my heart to the spirit when kids start throwing tantrums.

The program has also helped me feel empathy for those who do struggle with addiction. It has really helped me see them as good people who have struggles, just like everyone else. Addictions don't define people; Christ defines people. Christ makes us good.

I am a Provider

For any of you that follow Sadie's blog, you know that this past week was pretty rough. You know, no matter how many kids you have, there will always be rough mom days, and rough mom weeks. Sadie called me on Friday after a rough morning, and I did my best to listen and assure. After we hung up, I really felt that the best thing I could do for this situation was to be home and give Sadie the afternoon off.

I am blessed that my job is usually flexible enough that taking off with a moment's notice isn't a big deal. I submitted a half-day vacation request, told my team lead I needed to leave, and then walked out. As I was riding home, I was pondering my role as a provider in our home. I go to work so I can support my family. If working isn't supporting my family (whether temporally or spiritually) then work isn't what I need to be doing. Sure, I had commitments at work, but my commitment to my family is more important. Resetting expectations for projects at work is much better than letting my family's needs go unmet. Going home midday isn't always the right thing to do, but this time I really felt it was what was needed, and the spirit confirmed that to me.

I felt appreciation for Heavenly Father's divine plan. I can't speak for all men, but sometimes I have the tendency to think my career is about me. Sure, it's important to excel at work, to plot your career path, and grow and improve. Sometimes putting in extra effort at work is certainly appropriate; but at the end of the day what really matters is my relationship with my family and how I met their needs. Heavenly Father blessed me with a family so I could learn to look outside myself and see the divinity of eternity within the walls of my home.

Lessons from Conference

Two weeks ago was general conference, and of course I was listening for ideas and inspiration about how I can be a better dad. In addition to feeling an overall need to improve my personal spiritual life, I picked out some parenting nuggets from a few talks:

"Come Follow Me" by Practicing Christian Love and Service - Elder Robert D. Hales

• "Parents, you are called to be loving teachers and missionaries to your children and youth"
• "When an opportunity comes to share your thoughts about the gospel and the lessons of life, stop everything, sit down, and talk with your children."
• "The calling to be a parent includes the gift to teach in the ways that are right for you and for your children."
• "Some of our most impactful Christian service is given by holding family scripture study, family prayer, and family council meetings."
• "Let us remember, the most important work we do in our families is through the power of the Holy Ghost. Whenever we raise our voices in anger, the Spirit leaves our companionships and families."
• "We can pray for guidance about when to speak, what to say, and yes, on some occasions, when to be still."

No Greater Joy Than to Know that They Know - K. Brett Nattress

• "I don’t know if anything in this world could bring more happiness and joy than to know that our children know the Savior, to know that they know “to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” That is why, as members of the Church, “we preach of Christ” and we testify of Christ (2 Nephi 25:26).
• "That is why we pray with our children every day."
• "That is why we read the scriptures with them every day."
• "That is why we teach them to serve others, so that they can hold claim upon the blessings of finding themselves as they lose themselves in the service of others" (see Mark 8:35; Mosiah 2:17).
• "As we devote ourselves to these simple patterns of discipleship, we empower our children with the love of the Savior and with divine direction and protection as they face the fierce winds of the adversary."
• "It is my prayer that we will devote our hearts and our hands to helping all of Heavenly Father’s children to know Him and to feel His love."

The Righteous Judge - Elder Lynn G. Robbins

• "To effectively teach a child is the very essence of good parenting, and to lovingly discipline is the very essence of being a righteous judge."
• "If children are defiant and difficult to control, be patient with them until you can conquer by love, … and you can then [mold] their characters as you please"
• "This scripture teaches us to reprove “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost,” not when moved upon by anger. The Holy Ghost and anger are incompatible"
• "To remember a child’s true identity is a gift of foresight that divinely inspires the vision of a righteous judge."

Teaching as the goal

(Another guest post from Jonathan. Thanks!)

James posted about a month or two ago day about happiness as a determinant of success, rather than the other way around. I had some thoughts on a similar concept, but framed in a different way. Overall, it really comes down to defining “success” so that it is not dependent on the behavior of the kids, which is something that I can’t control (but that doesn’t keep me from trying to control them some days…)

Melissa and I talked not long ago about what we are really trying to do as we interact with the kids. Short-term, it seems like getting them to obey and follow rules is success, so “winning” seems like the goal. However, we came to the conclusion that what we really want is to teach them that obedience is an eternal principle. We want to help them make choices that will ultimately empower them live the gospel and become healthy, productive citizens.

Teaching can be done in a variety of ways, but one of the most powerful tools is example. When I get impatient and upset, and try to authoritatively enforce rules, what am I really teaching by my example? I’ve been trying to just walk away from a situation when I feel it escalating to the point where I won’t be able to teach the way I want to. After all, “if ye receive not the spirit, ye shall not teach” (D&C 42:14).

Having teaching be my goal has helped me cope with stressful situations. I can feel ok about walking away and “resetting” rather than feeling like I have to “win.” It also helps me keep in mind that at the end of the day, what I really want to do is help my kids and do what is best for them in the long term.

Dates with Dad

The performing arts center in downtown Madison has a fun free program each Saturday to help introduce the arts to kids. We've gone a number of times before, and I got an email last week saying that this Saturday's program was about drums and rhythms from around the world. I immediately thought it would be something that Micah would really like, so today just the two of us went.

I really enjoyed the one on one time with Micah, from the car ride, to walking around town, to the show itself. Going on dates with the kids is something Sadie and I are trying to start doing. Arilyn loves the idea, and even circled days on her calendar to remind us to go on dates with her. I bet she'll be the kind of girl to remind boys to go on dates with her, haha.

I remember doing dates with dad growing up and they are some of my favorite memories. I don't think we were very regular about them, but I do remember that special one on one time and looking forward to doing something fun with my dad.