Study

I recently started reading the Book of Mormon, looking specifically for principles of good parenting and fatherhood. I have been surprised by how much I've found, even in the first handful of pages:

• Trust. 
• Just a few paragraphs into the introduction, we read, "As Mormon completed his writings, he delivered the account to his son Moroni." Mormon had spent a good portion of his life compiling a thousand years' worth of history, and then trusted his son to finish the job. I wonder what that father-son relationship was like, the things Mormon did as a father to build trust - both in terms of character and in competence.
• Later in the testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith, we read about Joseph Smith Sr's reaction when Joseph Smith told him about Moroni's visit. Joseph Smith Senior trusted Joseph's account of the vision and it's divine origin.
• Trust comes up again in Joseph's account. We read that Joseph was instructed for a couple of years before he was given responsibility for the plates. As a father, I need to sufficiently instruct my children before giving them responsibility.
• Vision. In the testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith, he describes his visit with Moroni and that a, "vision was opened to my mind that I could see ... so clearly and distinctly." Heavenly Father provided Joseph with a clear and vivid direction. As a father, I can help my children build their own eternal vision.
• Sensitivity. Also in the testimony of the prophet, we read how Joseph Smith was working alongside his father, who "discovered something to be wrong with [Joseph] and told [him] to go home." Joseph Smith Sr. was sensitive to the needs of his son.
• Knowledge. The first verse of the first book of Nephi tells us he was born of "goodly parents" and was taught in the learning of his father. Lehi and Sariah were good people who sought to teach their children the things of God and man.
• Prayer. As I read the first couple chapters, I was impressed when I considered that these were the words of a son describing what he observed in the actions of his father. Nephi watched his father pour out his heart in prayer for those around him (1 Ne 1:5). Do my children catch me praying? I can follow Lehi's example and pour out my heart in behalf of my children.
• Gratitude. Nephi heard his father praise God until his heart was filled (1:15). I can teach my children about the goodness of God through simple words of gratitude as I express my thanks for our blessings.

And this is just through the first chapter! In the next two chapters, I found examples of love, praise, counsel, tough conversations, revelation, teaching natural consequences, and obedience.

I am grateful for the scriptures and for the many tools and resources the Lord has given me to be the father He needs me to be.

Love and Logic

A couple months ago our ward council decided to put on a parenting class (there are a lot of young families in the ward). They brought in a Love and Logic coach to teach the six-week course for parenting children aged zero through six years old. Perfect! I happen to have four children in that age range, so needless to say, Sadie and I were excited about the course.

This morning we attended the second session, which focused on teaching kids to listen the first time. Being a data-driven dad, my biggest insight from today's class came to me in the form of a formula:

↓ words = ↑ effectiveness

I have a tendency to over-explain things, and explaining consequences to my kids has been no exception to that. Usually when my kids experience natural or logical consequences, I have walked them through exactly what happened and why, and asked them what they need to do differently the next time. After today's workshop, I see that this is not only not necessary, but it can actually undermine my efforts.

Kids are smart. They can figure out cause and effect. When training dogs, owners don't have to walk through the steps and explain everything; they just act. My children are at least as smart as dogs, right? Err, well, they do lick windows, lick themselves, eat grass, and eat food off the floor...and run around in circles and chase frisbees.... okay, I'll just stop now...

Trying to rehearse the events that led to consequences not only sends the message that the child is unable/incompetent to do the interpretation on his own, but can also results in feelings of shame that can weaken the parent-child relationship and negatively affect the child's own self-concept.

This afternoon I was able to apply this insight, along with a handful of others that I've picked up along the way, to improve my interactions with Micah (almost 4 years old). It started this afternoon when Micah called Tanner a name, and I said, "Uh oh! (in a sing-song tune). Let's have some bedroom time." Empathy is one of the key principles of L&L. Rather than getting upset with our kids, we empathize that their bad choice results in consequences they won't enjoy. This helps make their choice the bad guy, instead of an upset parent being the bad guy.

Earlier in the day, I told the kids we were going to start using bedroom time as a way to give them space if they made a bad decision. Since Micah's name-calling has been an issue lately, I specifically used that as an example when explaining it to them, so when I said, "uh oh" Micah knew what was coming.

I asked him if he wanted to walk or be carried, and he responded he didn't want either one, so I calmly picked him and carried him (kicking and screaming). Once in his bedroom, I asked him if he wanted the door open or closed, and he said he wanted it open. I left it at that and walked out.

To my pleasant surprise, he actually stayed in his room. I heard some crashing in his bedroom, but gave him his space while he worked through his emotions. He calmed down and a few minutes later he came down the stairs and told me he was sorry. I gave him a big hug, told him I loved him, and that was it! I didn't explain to him why he went to his room, I didn't dwell on it or tell him I was upset or disappointed or anything. He was happy, I was happy.

The story continues. As part of bedtime, Micah knows that if he does a good job listening and getting ready for bed, then there is more time left for extra stories. He did a pretty good job tonight, so I was happy to tell him we'd have time for an extra story. We went into his bedroom, and then I noticed the huge mess of books in the corner.

"Ohhh no" I said in a very sincere and sad voice. "Micah, look at that big mess over there! What happened? Was that you or Tanner?"

He told me he had pulled all the books off the shelf during his tantrum from the afternoon (ah, so that's what that crash was). Again, here is where the L&L sincere empathy and logic comes in. "Micah, I'm sorry bud. I was looking forward to reading an extra story with you tonight, but now we need to clean up this mess."

He was sincerely disappointed, and so was I. As we were cleaning up the mess, he told me that next time he is upset, he shouldn't throw a tantrum. He couldn't have said it better if the L&L instructor had paid him in ice cream!

Score for dad! Score for Micah! The rest of bedtime went very smoothly, as we enjoyed our one story together and cuddled. I admit, this seems like somewhat of an outlier. Things could have very easily gone another way, and they will likely not be as smooth the next time. But hey, we can celebrate the success tonight and look forward to long-term improvement.

Embrace Failure

I'm currently reading/listening to Creativity, Inc. by Ed Catmull, president of Pixar Animation. Although the book's target audience is managers, I'm finding the content very applicable as both a team member and a father.

I'm fascinated by the parallels between good management practices in the workplace and how you can apply similar principles in the home as a parent. Of course, not everything translates to home life, but a lot of concepts that involve growing/inspiring your employees do to their best work can be applied to parenting children.

For example, the concept of failing quickly, embracing failure, and even encouraging failure, has been a strong theme through what I’ve read so far. At the beginning of the chapter “Fear and Failure” Catmull says,

"Failure is a manifestation of learning and exploration. If you aren't experiencing failure, then you are making a far worse mistake: You are being driven by the desire to avoid it." 

Catmull admits this is much easier said than done, and that he is not the first person to talk about the positive side of failure, but offers some great insights and very interesting examples of how this is done at Pixar.

What would such an environment look like in a family? Can I create a home environment that embraces mistakes? If so, what are the mistakes and failures that I'm trying to embrace? Learning how to write your name and forgetting a letter? Spilling or breaking something? Dumping applesauce on your shirt (and subsequently rubbing it in your hair) when learning to eat with a spoon?

Yes, but I think it goes beyond that. What about “failure” to get dressed when I say it's time for bed? Continuing to play with toys/books after I've asked them to come to the dinner table? Hitting and screaming when a sibling takes a toy?

Stay with me here, but suppose I react to a tantrum the same way a Pixar executive looks at an initial reel of a movie. Catmull calls Pixar’s early versions of their films “ugly babies” because they all start out ugly but have potential. The early reel is nothing like the polished product, but Pixar has created an environment that allows the team to separate ideas from the people who created them, fail and iterate quickly, and grow the film from an "ugly baby" to a huge success.

What I’m getting at here is that my kids are ugly 😊. But really, seeing my kids as future “blockbusters” helps me to put things in perspective. When someone messes up, I can recognize it as a very natural part of progress. If I create an environment that stifles self-expression or otherwise limits my child’s tendency toward experiential learning, I may be depriving them of vital steps toward maturity. Instead of doing everything I can to prevent a tantrum or mess, I can see it as a raw form of a future success by expecting it, helping us all to learn from it, and embracing it.

I'm learning to embrace mistakes not just in my children, but also in myself. I strive to be the best and do my best in all my pursuits. This is great and all, but if it comes at the expense of avoiding mistakes, I am doing myself a disservice, especially in parenting. I am learning to be much more forgiving of myself and learning how to move on quickly after I "mess up."

My own attitude about my personal failures affects the way I react to the mistakes of my children. Catmull says this is key is creating an environment that allows failure without fear:

"If we as leaders can talk about our mistakes and our part in them, then we make it safe for others. You don’t run from it or pretend it doesn’t exist. ... While we don't want too many failures, we must think of the cost of failure as an investment in the future."

Sometimes it can be really hard, but I make it a point to apologize to my children if I did something wrong. Let’s say I yell in anger during a particularly frustrating evening. It would be easy for me to blame (or worse, shame) them for my behavior. If I were to do this, it would (among other things) erode the environment that makes mistakes safe. Instead, I dismiss the thought that apologizing to my kids undermines my authority and then I ask them for forgiveness because I want them to know that what I did was not okay, independent of whatever it was that led up to me doing it.

This post would be incomplete if I did not mention the Power that has personally allowed me to embrace failure. As I've allowed Christ to ease the burden of my mistakes and shortcomings, I am empowered to do the same for my children.

Maybe it’s just where I’m at in my spiritual maturity, but just in the past couple months, I’ve noticed a trend in what I hear in church about the importance of embracing repentance. Repentance isn't something we do when we mess up; it is an essential and joyful part of spiritual growth. Similarly, embracing failure is much different than "accept me for who I am." Instead it says, "accept that mistakes are vital to growth. Learn from them and move on quickly.”

I hope that by talking openly about my need for repentance and growth, I can show the kids that I am not perfect, and they don't need to be either. I can show them that with Christ, they can become more than who they are today. We all make mistakes, even dad. Don't avoid them, embrace them.

Prince of Peace

For the last number years, the church has run a social media campaign during both Christmas and Easter focused on Christ. I always enjoy the videos and messages as they help me reflect on my relationship with the Savior and His love. This year's Easter message focused on the message #PrinceOfPeace.

The Lord continues to bless me with experiences to help me remember how dependent I am on Him. As a father, I pray that the Lord will make me more than I am so that I can be the parent He needs me to be. When I pray in the spirit of humility, acknowledging and confessing my weaknesses and pleading with the Lord that he strengthen me, I feel His spirit come.

The spirit of the Lord is the spirit of love. I pray that love be the driving force in my interactions with each of my children. As a father, I am a protector, and the best way I can protect my home is inviting the fortifying strength of the Prince of Peace.

p.s. After I wrote this post last night, we read Mosiah 4:10-12 for scripture study this morning. King Benjamin says it perfectly: "Ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you...and always retain in remembrance the greatness of God and your own nothingness and his goodness...and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily...if ye do this ye shall always rejoice and be filled with the love of God."

Affirmations

I hope to still write some posts here and there, even though I don't have a weekly goal anymore. After my last post, Jonathan and I talked about a few ideas so that we could keep the conversation going. He emailed me the other day and shared a strategy that has been working for him:

I had the thought that I can try coming up with some positive parenting affirmations to say to myself each day to try to form healthier thought habits. I partially got the idea from some of Melissa's hypnobabies stuff, where she has pregnancies affirmations to create good thought patterns. This has helped me have more realistic expectations of the kids and myself, and helped me have a better attitude. It isn't necessarily a new idea, but new packaging can help restart some good habits sometimes. 

I realized I have some phrases that I use too. Thinking about them as affirmations actually encouraged me to think about them more often. This has been especially helpful this week as I've been solo at home (Sadie left on Thurs to visit her sister) and has helped me maintain a positive attitude. Here are some that help me:

• "I love being a dad." This one helps me remember to have fun, to choose to enjoy the journey of fatherhood, and to be a loving dad. Granted, it isn't all daisies and butterflies, but helps me put things in perspective. When I head back to work on Weds, I imagine my co-workers asking how my time was. I will be tempted to say something like, "I'm glad to be back at work" and imply that full-time child care is not a pleasant experience. Although changing poopy diapers, dealing with tantrums/fits, and having little personal time during the day is not fun, I hope I can genuinely say I love being a dad. 
• "I am a teacher." This one carries a ton of meaning. Teachers need to know how learners learn. They know when learners are not ready to learn and which methods to use when teaching. Teachers help learners to grow and recognize their achievements, etc. 
• "They're just kids. This is what they do." This phrase helps me a ton. They can't be adults all at once and trying to get them to act like adults is just wasted breath and emotional energy. Sadie has a similar phrase, "It's not a big deal."

Meta-analysis

What is a good analysis without an analysis of the analysis? :) I went back through all my posts and reflected a little about the journey this project has taken me on. I started this blog at a time when I needed a solution to be a better dad. I was considering buying a parenting course, but felt like blogging was a better place to start. I really feel like that was inspiration.

Let's start with the initial post and the expectations I set for myself.

"My purpose in this blog is to become a teacher of the very principles that I myself need to learn and internalize. In order to write about the tips and tricks of fatherhood, I need to live them."

This was certainly true. The blog helped me feel more accountable to myself to be a better dad. Sometimes it felt hypocritical to write about being a good dad when I feel like I fall short so often. I used this space to be proactive about finding ways to have more positive interactions with my kids and to be the teacher and anchor they need.

I found it funny that I was right on about who my audience would be:

"My audience is myself and the imaginary reader who I will pretend is just like me and loves learning about the things I write."

The reader who was just like me, ended up being none other than my twin brother. Turns out we have very similar ways of thinking and parenting. I am very grateful for his support and encouragement. Thanks Jonathan.

One thing that didn't happen:

"I would love to see this blog become a forum for sharing what works and celebrating successes." 

I realized this blog really was just for me. I initially posted on Facebook almost every week, but later stopped. Maybe it was just my perception, but I didn't get much feedback from the online community, and I felt like being accountable to myself was more productive than trying to write something others would think would be useful.

Though this blog, I sought a deeper conversion to Jesus Christ:

"I also want to be more passionate about the teachings of my Savior Jesus Christ. I feel the need to transform my book knowledge of the gospel into true conversion. I hope to discover and write about very practical and hands-on ways to live more fully as a disciple of Christ...Stay tuned for open and sincere exploration of gospel principles as I expose my struggles and how they can help a imperfect and sinful man develop God-like attributes."

I felt truly blessed with experiences that helped me truly feel my reliance on the Lord. I will always remember 2016 as a year I came closer to God. Several posts - That Ye Be Not Tempted, Humility, Rely on the Lord - were all related and I wrote about my feelings and reliance on the Lord.

One of the most interesting parts of the development of this blog was the shift in the types of topics I blogged about. This is what I expected:

"Stay tuned for flowcharts, two-by-two quadrants, graphs and spreadsheets. Stay tuned for book reviews and research that I attempt to apply to the challenges I face every day as a parent of strong-willed children."

While I did start off with that data-focus, I shifted toward more of a heart focus as time went on. I found that a lot of the "head" posts or behavioral-science types posts (Temper Triangle, Teaching Flowchart, Bad Day, Good data) were insightful and helpful when I wrote them, but didn't really produce any lasting change in my parenting. I went through and categorized each post as ether "head" or "heart" and saw a clear trend over time:

The trend toward more "heart" posts reminds me of the data analytics maturity model - using data to describe or even predict behavior is interesting, but data is most useful when it become prescriptive, when it actually leads to decision support and improve outcomes (or parenting as the case may be).

A lot of the "head" posts didn't quite make it to the prescriptive phase because the data was in my head. It needed to be in my heart to really make a difference. A little more analysis backs up this hunch with hard data:

Meh: Worked a couple times, but isn't something that has become a part of my dad identity
Okay: Helped me for a while, was a step in the process, but isn't something I still do
Decent: Still something I think about, still helps me out, but isn't something that comes naturally
Great: Part of my identity as a parent; changed the way I parent for the better

Again, a clear trend here. The "heart" posts have had a greater long-term effect than the "head" posts. Here's a link to the spreadsheet I used for my analysis. I also recorded key-takeaways from each post.

There were a couple of posts that nudged me in the "heart" direction. I wrote Have Fun at the end of May after visiting my brother, and that has really stuck with me. I had similar experiences Be Happy and The Happy Secret to Better Parenting. At the core of these posts is simply to enjoy the journey. 

Back in July when we were visiting family in Alaska, I was chatting with my brother-in-law and he asked me, "How are you liking the dad thing?" I don't remember quite what I said, but I don't think I was very convincing. When I asked him the same question, he said, "I love it."

Yeah, that's right. Fatherhood is something to be loved. Although being a father to small children provides plenty of opportunities be upset/annoyed,(that won't go away), there are also a lot of opportunities to just have fun. I really feel like I've come to embrace the principle. I even made it part of my vision statement that I read almost every day.

I love being a dad. I love my wonderful wife Sadie who supports me, forgives me, and encourages me in this crazy journey of fatherhood. I love my three beautiful children and I'm grateful for each of them. I'm grateful for the Spirit of the Lord which has guided me in my experiences and helped me see the divinity within myself and each of my children. I am grateful for my perfect Father in Heaven, who sets the ultimate example in fatherhood.