This morning we attended the second session, which focused on teaching kids to listen the first time. Being a data-driven dad, my biggest insight from today's class came to me in the form of a formula:
↓ words = ↑ effectiveness
I have a tendency to over-explain things, and explaining consequences to my kids has been no exception to that. Usually when my kids experience natural or logical consequences, I have walked them through exactly what happened and why, and asked them what they need to do differently the next time. After today's workshop, I see that this is not only not necessary, but it can actually undermine my efforts.
Kids are smart. They can figure out cause and effect. When training dogs, owners don't have to walk through the steps and explain everything; they just act. My children are at least as smart as dogs, right? Err, well, they do lick windows, lick themselves, eat grass, and eat food off the floor...and run around in circles and chase frisbees.... okay, I'll just stop now...
Trying to rehearse the events that led to consequences not only sends the message that the child is unable/incompetent to do the interpretation on his own, but can also results in feelings of shame that can weaken the parent-child relationship and negatively affect the child's own self-concept.
This afternoon I was able to apply this insight, along with a handful of others that I've picked up along the way, to improve my interactions with Micah (almost 4 years old). It started this afternoon when Micah called Tanner a name, and I said, "Uh oh! (in a sing-song tune). Let's have some bedroom time." Empathy is one of the key principles of L&L. Rather than getting upset with our kids, we empathize that their bad choice results in consequences they won't enjoy. This helps make their choice the bad guy, instead of an upset parent being the bad guy.
Earlier in the day, I told the kids we were going to start using bedroom time as a way to give them space if they made a bad decision. Since Micah's name-calling has been an issue lately, I specifically used that as an example when explaining it to them, so when I said, "uh oh" Micah knew what was coming.
I asked him if he wanted to walk or be carried, and he responded he didn't want either one, so I calmly picked him and carried him (kicking and screaming). Once in his bedroom, I asked him if he wanted the door open or closed, and he said he wanted it open. I left it at that and walked out.
To my pleasant surprise, he actually stayed in his room. I heard some crashing in his bedroom, but gave him his space while he worked through his emotions. He calmed down and a few minutes later he came down the stairs and told me he was sorry. I gave him a big hug, told him I loved him, and that was it! I didn't explain to him why he went to his room, I didn't dwell on it or tell him I was upset or disappointed or anything. He was happy, I was happy.
The story continues. As part of bedtime, Micah knows that if he does a good job listening and getting ready for bed, then there is more time left for extra stories. He did a pretty good job tonight, so I was happy to tell him we'd have time for an extra story. We went into his bedroom, and then I noticed the huge mess of books in the corner.
"Ohhh no" I said in a very sincere and sad voice. "Micah, look at that big mess over there! What happened? Was that you or Tanner?"
He told me he had pulled all the books off the shelf during his tantrum from the afternoon (ah, so that's what that crash was). Again, here is where the L&L sincere empathy and logic comes in. "Micah, I'm sorry bud. I was looking forward to reading an extra story with you tonight, but now we need to clean up this mess."
He was sincerely disappointed, and so was I. As we were cleaning up the mess, he told me that next time he is upset, he shouldn't throw a tantrum. He couldn't have said it better if the L&L instructor had paid him in ice cream!
Score for dad! Score for Micah! The rest of bedtime went very smoothly, as we enjoyed our one story together and cuddled. I admit, this seems like somewhat of an outlier. Things could have very easily gone another way, and they will likely not be as smooth the next time. But hey, we can celebrate the success tonight and look forward to long-term improvement.
I asked him if he wanted to walk or be carried, and he responded he didn't want either one, so I calmly picked him and carried him (kicking and screaming). Once in his bedroom, I asked him if he wanted the door open or closed, and he said he wanted it open. I left it at that and walked out.
To my pleasant surprise, he actually stayed in his room. I heard some crashing in his bedroom, but gave him his space while he worked through his emotions. He calmed down and a few minutes later he came down the stairs and told me he was sorry. I gave him a big hug, told him I loved him, and that was it! I didn't explain to him why he went to his room, I didn't dwell on it or tell him I was upset or disappointed or anything. He was happy, I was happy.
The story continues. As part of bedtime, Micah knows that if he does a good job listening and getting ready for bed, then there is more time left for extra stories. He did a pretty good job tonight, so I was happy to tell him we'd have time for an extra story. We went into his bedroom, and then I noticed the huge mess of books in the corner.
"Ohhh no" I said in a very sincere and sad voice. "Micah, look at that big mess over there! What happened? Was that you or Tanner?"
He told me he had pulled all the books off the shelf during his tantrum from the afternoon (ah, so that's what that crash was). Again, here is where the L&L sincere empathy and logic comes in. "Micah, I'm sorry bud. I was looking forward to reading an extra story with you tonight, but now we need to clean up this mess."
He was sincerely disappointed, and so was I. As we were cleaning up the mess, he told me that next time he is upset, he shouldn't throw a tantrum. He couldn't have said it better if the L&L instructor had paid him in ice cream!
Score for dad! Score for Micah! The rest of bedtime went very smoothly, as we enjoyed our one story together and cuddled. I admit, this seems like somewhat of an outlier. Things could have very easily gone another way, and they will likely not be as smooth the next time. But hey, we can celebrate the success tonight and look forward to long-term improvement.
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