Adventure Time

I spend most of my blogging time this week updating the Dad Dashboard. It's still a work in progress, but it's coming along.

I just wanted to share a quick idea that's been working well for us in our evening routine. After we do clean-up time, we go on imaginary adventures. The kids love adventure time, and it's often (but not always) a good incentive for clean-up time.

It all started last winter when Micah just wanted do laps around the family room. I figured it was a good way to get energy out, so we all ran together. He and Arilyn kept wanting to do it each night, and after a few nights, we running to different places around town. I eventually got bored of running to Target, Midas, and Aldi, so I suggested we run to other places - the mountains, the beach, Brazil, France, the moon, etc.

It's entertaining how much the kids get into it. If we ever ride the train to a place, we can't just be done and go get ready for bed. We have to take the train back home (Arilyn get's really upset if she misses the train.) It's really fun to see the things they come up with, and it's a great way to get some energy out and set a light mood before the bedtime routine.

Father's Day Interview

This morning for Father's Day, I decided to ask my dad a few questions about his experience as a father. I wanted to record some of his thoughts and perspective for posterity. I figured I better start interviewing him now before he gets old and senile :). I was typing as we talked, so I missed some things, but I tried to piece together my notes.

What is your favorite part of being a dad?
Playing with my children and grandchildren. Seeing my children grow and being parents.

What's something you did as a dad that worked well?
I tried to instill in them my thoughts and feelings about good entertainment. I tried to limit TV and video games; I really didn't like them and I didn’t put up with them a lot. Looking back now, I think it worked out pretty well, as none of the kids are really hooked on video games or TV.
I taught them to work through example.
The nickel jar was a pretty good idea. It worked for 4 out of the 5 kids. [The nickel jar was a system where each kid had a jar, and when we did something good, we got a nickel (or a dime if it was extra good!). If we did something bad, we got a penny in the jar, which meant we'd lose a nickel. At some point, we got to count the change, subtract out the pennies, and then buy something with whatever we'd gained.]

What advice would you give to you a new/young dad?
“This too will pass” Hang in there. Don’t get angry with the crying and the fussing. Especially when they won’t listen to you, it’s hard. President Hinckley said not to spank children, and after I heard that, I really tried to live it.
Just them love them. Realize that they will grow up. Anything you do will influence them.
Make the conscience decision to enjoy the good times and bad times. There as a time when the older kids were really young and we were getting ready to go on a long road trip. I thought, "I'm not sure I can do this [put up with the whining, etc]." I then realized that I had a decision to make, and I could choose to enjoy the trip, so I did. A lot of life is just making a decision and sticking them them.
[From mom] Don’t forget to relish them. They grow up so fast. Pause and consider what an incredible experience this is. Relish the not so fun stuff as well. It’s a great experience in the bucket of life, and it passes quickly.

What advice would you to a father of older children?
Get them involved in music. Music was a very significant part of molding discipline and the group of friends of all the kids. A lot of positive things came from those skills and friendships. Encourage music from a young age.
Love kids unconditionally.
Teach the gospel. It is easy to forget about the foundation that the church provides. The things that the church demands from people are the things that parents are trying to teach. Think of paragraph seven in the family proclamation. (two sentences ending with "wholesome recreational activities"). Remember to smile, laugh, play, and create memories.

What would you different if you could do it over again?
I would have tried to laugh together more. Do more family entertainment and create memories. We did a good job with annual vacations, but could have done more.


At the end, my dad asked me about my perspective of his parenting, and what I learned from him. The first thing I said was that they helped instill in me confidence that I could do whatever I put my mind to. They told me I could do anything, and I really believed that, and it helped me achieve. I also appreciated the trust and freedom they gave me to make choices/mistakes.
I learned a lot from my dad's example of work and service. I told my dad of a time at church when one of my young men's leaders was describing a man who exemplified priesthood service. A man who came early, stayed late, and was always willing to volunteer. After describing this person, he then identified the man as my dad. I was really proud to be his son at that moment.

And of course, you can't forget another piece of advice he gave me, that still helps me regularly: "Now son, if ever need to wipe your fingers, and you don't have a napkin, just use the top of your sock."

Thanks for your great example, dad. I love you.

Dashboard - Part 2

Wait, hold on, what exactly is a dashboard anyway? After talking with Sadie a little, it occurred to me that the term "dashboard" is a little business-y, and that the way I was using the word, might not mean the same for everybody else.

For me, a dashboard is a visual display of data (or an aggregation of data) that makes it easy to see how you're performing relative to your goals. Well, how do you know what it will look like? It depends on the behavior you're trying to promote. It's good to show what the goal is and your progress/performance relative to that goal. Dashboards can be fun and creative - there are tons of ways to display the same information.

With that in mind, the dashboard I came up with is just for my personal dad goals. Not a lot of data here, so the displays are pretty simple, but I think they get the job done. Okay, so it's really not much of a dashboard yet, but it has some potential. Go to the Dad Dashboard page to see it.

As part of the dashboard, I also wanted to be more aware of the kids' needs. I thought, what could I put in the dashboard to help me help them? I wanted to create a profile for each of them, thinking through their personality, how they learn, their challenges, areas for growth, etc.

I started with personality. Instead of trying to label them with a personality type from any personality test, I instead tried to find words that describe them. I stumbled upon the Big 5 Personality Traits, and talked through them with Sadie on our way to the temple this weekend, trying to figure out where Arilyn and Micah fall.

It was much harder than I first thought. In our very unscientific approach, we recalled different instances of how the kids have reacted in different situations and how we've seen their personality manifest itself. It was difficult to separate actual personality from just life as a two-year old. I'm not sure how accurate our assessments were, but it was still a very productive conversation to think about their personalities, and the best ways we can to do work with them.

Next week I'll fill out the kid profiles a little more, and hopefully polish up the dashboard too. If this isn't dad-driven fatherhood, I don't know what is. :). Of course, the data is in no way a replacement for warm, human, intutive interactions. I just hope to give myself more tools.

Oh, and Happy Father's Day!

Dashboard - Part 1

Dashboards have been on my mind a lot lately. I just finished up a big project at work, building a new web dashboard for team leads. The idea was to give TLs the tools and information they need to make it easier for them to do the right thing - staying on top of their management responsibilities and growing/engaging their team members. It was a really fun project and I received a lot of positive feedback.

Although different in many ways, there are some parallels between being a parent and a team leader. Both need to respect the viewpoints and decisions of their team members while encouraging them to grow. Both provide guidance and correction while working toward a goal. Both establish expectations and delegate responsibilities. If a dashboard can help TLs, can it help dads?

What would a dad dashboard look like? What are my key performance indicators? What can I do to grow and engage my team members (children)? Can I measure and track my own progress and the progress of my kids? Maybe, maybe not. Collecting and maintaining the data will be the hardest part (putting a SQL backend on my dad dashboard might be a little overkill), but there are simple things I can do.

For my own stats, what are the behaviors I want to engage in? Playtime, teaching (spiritual, character development, education, etc), serving/loving Sadie, constructive discipline/correction, having fun.

What do I need to know about each of my kids? What is unique about their personality? (pick your favorite personality test). What are their learning styles? Love languages? What are their current challenge/ struggles? Areas for growth? What makes them happy/sad/mad/excited?

Usually I like to post about ideas I've already tried, but this time I want to challenge myself (and YOU, imaginary reader) to come up with a dashboard by next week. Am I making this complicated? Potentially. The important thing is to just think through some of these ideas, and come up with one or two goals.

Why? President Monson said, "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates." If setting goals is natural in other areas of life, it most certainly should be part of one of my most important roles - fatherhood.

Willpower is a Muscle

The last three books I've listened to (Switch by Chip and Dan Heath, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, and The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg) have all referenced the same study about cookies and radishes. Long story short: one group was asked to eat radishes while resisting the temptation of cookies, and the other group was asked to do the opposite. Afterwards, both groups were asked to complete an unsolvable puzzle; the group whose willpower was depleted due to resisting cookies, gave up much faster. This concept is referred to as Ego Depletion.

Kahneman talks a lot about the two systems our brain uses for decision making. System one is the fast, emotional, reactive system; system two is the effortful, logical, disciplined system. When system two is compromised or tired, system one takes over. There are many others who have described this same concept with different terms, but it is very helpful for me to think of my decision making in this way.

These ideas have really helped me become more aware of my own emotions in my parenting. Before I learned about this concept, sometimes I would start losing patience because I was losing patience, if you know what I mean. Say the kids are having a hard time with something, then I start reacting to their emotions instead of acting like the adult. It's very easy to get caught up in the emotion and keep reacting until one of us is out of control.

Now, when I feel myself starting to feel frustrated, I try to mentally step back and assess my emotional state. Am I tired? Hungry? Did I have a hard day at work? Has something else been on my mind? By thinking about patience as a limited resource, I've been able to cut myself some slack and reset expectations. Just like my muscles can get tired, so can my willpower. I try to recognize which system in my brain is dictating my decisions.

The same is very true of the kid's own behavior too. Are they tired? Hungry? Having a hard day? It's such an obvious thing, but sometimes I forget consider those things as I try to teach them and meet their needs.