Willpower is a Muscle

The last three books I've listened to (Switch by Chip and Dan Heath, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, and The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg) have all referenced the same study about cookies and radishes. Long story short: one group was asked to eat radishes while resisting the temptation of cookies, and the other group was asked to do the opposite. Afterwards, both groups were asked to complete an unsolvable puzzle; the group whose willpower was depleted due to resisting cookies, gave up much faster. This concept is referred to as Ego Depletion.

Kahneman talks a lot about the two systems our brain uses for decision making. System one is the fast, emotional, reactive system; system two is the effortful, logical, disciplined system. When system two is compromised or tired, system one takes over. There are many others who have described this same concept with different terms, but it is very helpful for me to think of my decision making in this way.

These ideas have really helped me become more aware of my own emotions in my parenting. Before I learned about this concept, sometimes I would start losing patience because I was losing patience, if you know what I mean. Say the kids are having a hard time with something, then I start reacting to their emotions instead of acting like the adult. It's very easy to get caught up in the emotion and keep reacting until one of us is out of control.

Now, when I feel myself starting to feel frustrated, I try to mentally step back and assess my emotional state. Am I tired? Hungry? Did I have a hard day at work? Has something else been on my mind? By thinking about patience as a limited resource, I've been able to cut myself some slack and reset expectations. Just like my muscles can get tired, so can my willpower. I try to recognize which system in my brain is dictating my decisions.

The same is very true of the kid's own behavior too. Are they tired? Hungry? Having a hard day? It's such an obvious thing, but sometimes I forget consider those things as I try to teach them and meet their needs.