The Explosive Child

Micah's kindergarten teacher recommended a book called, "The Explosive Child" (Ross Greene) after he had a few breakdowns at school. I just finished reading it and I'm optimistic that implementing a lot of the ideas from the book will help establish more peace in our home.

The premise of the book is that kids will do well if they have right skills; a child who explodes does so because he lacks certain problem-solving or communication skills, rather than a lack of desire.

The book highlights the futility of some "traditional" discipline approaches (e.g. reward systems, losing privileges, imposing other consequences) that address motivation. These approaches would help a kid who doesn't know or want to do the right thing, but he argues that most kids do know and want to do the right thing. They need help developing additional skills rather than artificial systems designed to increase motivation.

The book is full of examples and dialog, many of which address issues that are very familiar in our home. I really appreciated the different angles the author took and even addressed the reality that the "plan" often doesn't work and how to handle those inevitable situations.

The process, called Collaborative Problem Solving, is primarily conversation-based and follows three main steps:

1. Empathy - The primary goal is to gather information about why the child is acting a certain way
2. Define the Problem - State your concern and the concern of your child very clearly
3. Invitation - As a team, come up with a solution that addresses both concerns.

This approach will be most successful when it is implemented proactively. Most explosions/tantrums are caused by problems that are already known to be triggers (e.g. transitions from one activity to another), so parents can come up with a list of "unsolved" problems (i.e. issues that still cause tantrums) and talk through them proactively.

Here's an example of what this approach could look like using a recent situation. This isn't exactly how the conversation went, so I'm taking some poetic license to re-write a few things for purposes of modeling collaborative problem solving.

1. Empathy
Me: Hey Micah, I noticed you haven't been wanting to go to bed lately. What's up?
Micah: B-I-B. Bed is Boring!
Me: What about it is boring?
Micah: There's nothing to do and I don't like being in bed.
Me: What about being in bed don't you like?
Micah: Well when I see the smoke detector, all I can think about it is fires and I'm scared to go to bed.
2. Define the Problem
Me: Okay, so you don't want to go to bed because you're scared of fires, right?
Micah: Right.
Me: Okay. Well it's important to me that you get good night's rest so you body can have the strength it needs.
3. Invitation
Me: I wonder if there's a way we could help you have good sleep and not worry about fires. Do you have any ideas?

... 

At this point, we brainstorm ideas until we find that one meets both of our concerns. It is important that going into this conversation, the adult doesn't already have the "correct" answer in mind. The kid really needs to be part of the problem-solving approach. It is also helpful to point out that some solutions are worth trying and will need some tweaking if they don't work. Talking with the child about what to do if the plan doesn't (e.g. so if I forget about the plan do something differently, will you remind me) is also important.

One reason why I'm looking forward to this approach is that it will help me better define my own concerns and if they are actually concerns worth having. Sometimes I think I get after the kids for things that don't actually matter a ton, and I think forcing myself to identify my concern will be helpful to identify the difference between nagging and actual concerns.

Proactively solving problems before they happen also helps getting into prevention mode, rather than fire-fighting mode.

The book has a lot more ideas and examples that I found helpful for figuring out how to apply this approach when the conversation inevitably doesn't go according to the textbook.

My goal is to practice this approach with the kids, and then blog about my experiences. I'll blog again with a review of how it goes!

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Notes and useful phrases for each step

Empathy:

• I've noticed that... what's up?
• Which part? How so? Tell me more about...
• Think of a time when...
• Is there a reason you think that?
• [if kid has a hard time coming up with something]
• We haven't talked about this before, so take your time
• No rush, let's think about it
• Could it be ...?

Define the problem

• My concern is...
• Does that make sense?
• The thing is ...
• It is important to me that...
• You're worried that... is that right?
• Is there anything else?
• Know your child's common problem list, e.g.
• hot/tired/hungry
• transitions
• handling the unexpected
• Coach each kid with articulating their problems by practicing phrases such as
• Something's the matter
•  I can't talk right now
• I need a break
• I'm frustrated
• I was expecting [...] but ...

Invitation step:

• Let's think about how we can solve this
• I wonder if there's a way to...
• Do you have any ideas?
• [if kid doesn't have any ideas]
• Do you want to hear my idea?
• If you don't have any ideas, maybe I could share one
• Shall we give it a try?
• If that doesn't work, we can talk more
• What should we do if you/I forget?
• Common solutions often fall into one of three categories:
• Ask for help
• Compromise / meet halfway
• Do it a different way