I've noticed that

I've been doing by best to implement the techniques from "The Explosive Child" and I think it has a positive impact on my parenting.

A few examples:

Christmas Eve, just as bedtime was finished and I was about to close the door, Tanner realized he hadn't written Santa a letter like Arilyn and Micah had. I could see it was really important to him, but he was already settled in and I didn't want to push back bedtime anymore. My first reaction was to just propose a solution, so I said, "Why don't I just take a little video you right now on my phone?"
He didn't like that idea, and then I remembered to use to steps I had recently blogged about. I started with the Empathy step, asking him questions to understand what he really wanted. I then stated what was important to me (i.e. him getting enough sleep so that we could enjoy Christmas) and then asked him what we could do so that we could both get what we needed. He came up with a solution: "How about I just write him a letter next year?" He then rolled over and closed his eyes. Success! Letting him know my needs and showing him I understood his needs helped him come up with a solution that worked better than what I came up with.

Last night Micah was unhappy with what was served for dinner and started to express his dissatisfaction by doing things he knows he shouldn't (e.g. putting feet on the table). I said, "Hey Micah, I've noticed that when something is bother you, you start doing things you've been told not to do. Can you tell me more about that?" He wasn't super responsive, so after another unsuccessful try, I offered a suggestion: "Are you trying to show me how upset you are?" I tried talking a little more, and we even laughed briefly when he said he didn't know himself. He was trying to be funny (one way he tries to avoid discussion) so I decided to laugh with him enough of being annoyed. Long story short, this attempt at talking didn't solve the problem in the same way it did with Tanner but it DID de-escalate some tension and avoid a bigger meltdown. I think that is still a win.

I still need to be better about implementing the core suggestion from that book - having these discussions BEFORE the situation occurs. This technique isn't as successful when emotions are already triggered. About the best thing we have done with being proactive though is practicing phrases to talk about emotions. One night for FHE we all practiced saying things like, "I am frustrated," "I'm disappointed. I was expecting ..." "I'm overwhelmed." These seem to being helping a little.

If nothing else, I am personally getting better at explaining to the kids how I feel and why. It also helps to talk about what is going on inside my head by saying, "I've noticed...I was expecting...my concern is..." rather than just saying, "Go do this" or "Stop that now." Now of course, I still need to say "Go do this" or "Stop that" at times but doing that along with these other techniques helps me to do it in a way that I hope helps the kids feel more understood and helps them to understand me.