I've noticed that

I've been doing by best to implement the techniques from "The Explosive Child" and I think it has a positive impact on my parenting.

A few examples:

Christmas Eve, just as bedtime was finished and I was about to close the door, Tanner realized he hadn't written Santa a letter like Arilyn and Micah had. I could see it was really important to him, but he was already settled in and I didn't want to push back bedtime anymore. My first reaction was to just propose a solution, so I said, "Why don't I just take a little video you right now on my phone?"
He didn't like that idea, and then I remembered to use to steps I had recently blogged about. I started with the Empathy step, asking him questions to understand what he really wanted. I then stated what was important to me (i.e. him getting enough sleep so that we could enjoy Christmas) and then asked him what we could do so that we could both get what we needed. He came up with a solution: "How about I just write him a letter next year?" He then rolled over and closed his eyes. Success! Letting him know my needs and showing him I understood his needs helped him come up with a solution that worked better than what I came up with.

Last night Micah was unhappy with what was served for dinner and started to express his dissatisfaction by doing things he knows he shouldn't (e.g. putting feet on the table). I said, "Hey Micah, I've noticed that when something is bother you, you start doing things you've been told not to do. Can you tell me more about that?" He wasn't super responsive, so after another unsuccessful try, I offered a suggestion: "Are you trying to show me how upset you are?" I tried talking a little more, and we even laughed briefly when he said he didn't know himself. He was trying to be funny (one way he tries to avoid discussion) so I decided to laugh with him enough of being annoyed. Long story short, this attempt at talking didn't solve the problem in the same way it did with Tanner but it DID de-escalate some tension and avoid a bigger meltdown. I think that is still a win.

I still need to be better about implementing the core suggestion from that book - having these discussions BEFORE the situation occurs. This technique isn't as successful when emotions are already triggered. About the best thing we have done with being proactive though is practicing phrases to talk about emotions. One night for FHE we all practiced saying things like, "I am frustrated," "I'm disappointed. I was expecting ..." "I'm overwhelmed." These seem to being helping a little.

If nothing else, I am personally getting better at explaining to the kids how I feel and why. It also helps to talk about what is going on inside my head by saying, "I've noticed...I was expecting...my concern is..." rather than just saying, "Go do this" or "Stop that now." Now of course, I still need to say "Go do this" or "Stop that" at times but doing that along with these other techniques helps me to do it in a way that I hope helps the kids feel more understood and helps them to understand me.

The Explosive Child

Micah's kindergarten teacher recommended a book called, "The Explosive Child" (Ross Greene) after he had a few breakdowns at school. I just finished reading it and I'm optimistic that implementing a lot of the ideas from the book will help establish more peace in our home.

The premise of the book is that kids will do well if they have right skills; a child who explodes does so because he lacks certain problem-solving or communication skills, rather than a lack of desire.

The book highlights the futility of some "traditional" discipline approaches (e.g. reward systems, losing privileges, imposing other consequences) that address motivation. These approaches would help a kid who doesn't know or want to do the right thing, but he argues that most kids do know and want to do the right thing. They need help developing additional skills rather than artificial systems designed to increase motivation.

The book is full of examples and dialog, many of which address issues that are very familiar in our home. I really appreciated the different angles the author took and even addressed the reality that the "plan" often doesn't work and how to handle those inevitable situations.

The process, called Collaborative Problem Solving, is primarily conversation-based and follows three main steps:

1. Empathy - The primary goal is to gather information about why the child is acting a certain way
2. Define the Problem - State your concern and the concern of your child very clearly
3. Invitation - As a team, come up with a solution that addresses both concerns.

This approach will be most successful when it is implemented proactively. Most explosions/tantrums are caused by problems that are already known to be triggers (e.g. transitions from one activity to another), so parents can come up with a list of "unsolved" problems (i.e. issues that still cause tantrums) and talk through them proactively.

Here's an example of what this approach could look like using a recent situation. This isn't exactly how the conversation went, so I'm taking some poetic license to re-write a few things for purposes of modeling collaborative problem solving.

1. Empathy
Me: Hey Micah, I noticed you haven't been wanting to go to bed lately. What's up?
Micah: B-I-B. Bed is Boring!
Me: What about it is boring?
Micah: There's nothing to do and I don't like being in bed.
Me: What about being in bed don't you like?
Micah: Well when I see the smoke detector, all I can think about it is fires and I'm scared to go to bed.
2. Define the Problem
Me: Okay, so you don't want to go to bed because you're scared of fires, right?
Micah: Right.
Me: Okay. Well it's important to me that you get good night's rest so you body can have the strength it needs.
3. Invitation
Me: I wonder if there's a way we could help you have good sleep and not worry about fires. Do you have any ideas?

... 

At this point, we brainstorm ideas until we find that one meets both of our concerns. It is important that going into this conversation, the adult doesn't already have the "correct" answer in mind. The kid really needs to be part of the problem-solving approach. It is also helpful to point out that some solutions are worth trying and will need some tweaking if they don't work. Talking with the child about what to do if the plan doesn't (e.g. so if I forget about the plan do something differently, will you remind me) is also important.

One reason why I'm looking forward to this approach is that it will help me better define my own concerns and if they are actually concerns worth having. Sometimes I think I get after the kids for things that don't actually matter a ton, and I think forcing myself to identify my concern will be helpful to identify the difference between nagging and actual concerns.

Proactively solving problems before they happen also helps getting into prevention mode, rather than fire-fighting mode.

The book has a lot more ideas and examples that I found helpful for figuring out how to apply this approach when the conversation inevitably doesn't go according to the textbook.

My goal is to practice this approach with the kids, and then blog about my experiences. I'll blog again with a review of how it goes!

~~~~

Notes and useful phrases for each step

Empathy:

• I've noticed that... what's up?
• Which part? How so? Tell me more about...
• Think of a time when...
• Is there a reason you think that?
• [if kid has a hard time coming up with something]
• We haven't talked about this before, so take your time
• No rush, let's think about it
• Could it be ...?

Define the problem

• My concern is...
• Does that make sense?
• The thing is ...
• It is important to me that...
• You're worried that... is that right?
• Is there anything else?
• Know your child's common problem list, e.g.
• hot/tired/hungry
• transitions
• handling the unexpected
• Coach each kid with articulating their problems by practicing phrases such as
• Something's the matter
•  I can't talk right now
• I need a break
• I'm frustrated
• I was expecting [...] but ...

Invitation step:

• Let's think about how we can solve this
• I wonder if there's a way to...
• Do you have any ideas?
• [if kid doesn't have any ideas]
• Do you want to hear my idea?
• If you don't have any ideas, maybe I could share one
• Shall we give it a try?
• If that doesn't work, we can talk more
• What should we do if you/I forget?
• Common solutions often fall into one of three categories:
• Ask for help
• Compromise / meet halfway
• Do it a different way

Study

I recently started reading the Book of Mormon, looking specifically for principles of good parenting and fatherhood. I have been surprised by how much I've found, even in the first handful of pages:

• Trust. 
• Just a few paragraphs into the introduction, we read, "As Mormon completed his writings, he delivered the account to his son Moroni." Mormon had spent a good portion of his life compiling a thousand years' worth of history, and then trusted his son to finish the job. I wonder what that father-son relationship was like, the things Mormon did as a father to build trust - both in terms of character and in competence.
• Later in the testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith, we read about Joseph Smith Sr's reaction when Joseph Smith told him about Moroni's visit. Joseph Smith Senior trusted Joseph's account of the vision and it's divine origin.
• Trust comes up again in Joseph's account. We read that Joseph was instructed for a couple of years before he was given responsibility for the plates. As a father, I need to sufficiently instruct my children before giving them responsibility.
• Vision. In the testimony of the prophet Joseph Smith, he describes his visit with Moroni and that a, "vision was opened to my mind that I could see ... so clearly and distinctly." Heavenly Father provided Joseph with a clear and vivid direction. As a father, I can help my children build their own eternal vision.
• Sensitivity. Also in the testimony of the prophet, we read how Joseph Smith was working alongside his father, who "discovered something to be wrong with [Joseph] and told [him] to go home." Joseph Smith Sr. was sensitive to the needs of his son.
• Knowledge. The first verse of the first book of Nephi tells us he was born of "goodly parents" and was taught in the learning of his father. Lehi and Sariah were good people who sought to teach their children the things of God and man.
• Prayer. As I read the first couple chapters, I was impressed when I considered that these were the words of a son describing what he observed in the actions of his father. Nephi watched his father pour out his heart in prayer for those around him (1 Ne 1:5). Do my children catch me praying? I can follow Lehi's example and pour out my heart in behalf of my children.
• Gratitude. Nephi heard his father praise God until his heart was filled (1:15). I can teach my children about the goodness of God through simple words of gratitude as I express my thanks for our blessings.

And this is just through the first chapter! In the next two chapters, I found examples of love, praise, counsel, tough conversations, revelation, teaching natural consequences, and obedience.

I am grateful for the scriptures and for the many tools and resources the Lord has given me to be the father He needs me to be.

Love and Logic

A couple months ago our ward council decided to put on a parenting class (there are a lot of young families in the ward). They brought in a Love and Logic coach to teach the six-week course for parenting children aged zero through six years old. Perfect! I happen to have four children in that age range, so needless to say, Sadie and I were excited about the course.

This morning we attended the second session, which focused on teaching kids to listen the first time. Being a data-driven dad, my biggest insight from today's class came to me in the form of a formula:

↓ words = ↑ effectiveness

I have a tendency to over-explain things, and explaining consequences to my kids has been no exception to that. Usually when my kids experience natural or logical consequences, I have walked them through exactly what happened and why, and asked them what they need to do differently the next time. After today's workshop, I see that this is not only not necessary, but it can actually undermine my efforts.

Kids are smart. They can figure out cause and effect. When training dogs, owners don't have to walk through the steps and explain everything; they just act. My children are at least as smart as dogs, right? Err, well, they do lick windows, lick themselves, eat grass, and eat food off the floor...and run around in circles and chase frisbees.... okay, I'll just stop now...

Trying to rehearse the events that led to consequences not only sends the message that the child is unable/incompetent to do the interpretation on his own, but can also results in feelings of shame that can weaken the parent-child relationship and negatively affect the child's own self-concept.

This afternoon I was able to apply this insight, along with a handful of others that I've picked up along the way, to improve my interactions with Micah (almost 4 years old). It started this afternoon when Micah called Tanner a name, and I said, "Uh oh! (in a sing-song tune). Let's have some bedroom time." Empathy is one of the key principles of L&L. Rather than getting upset with our kids, we empathize that their bad choice results in consequences they won't enjoy. This helps make their choice the bad guy, instead of an upset parent being the bad guy.

Earlier in the day, I told the kids we were going to start using bedroom time as a way to give them space if they made a bad decision. Since Micah's name-calling has been an issue lately, I specifically used that as an example when explaining it to them, so when I said, "uh oh" Micah knew what was coming.

I asked him if he wanted to walk or be carried, and he responded he didn't want either one, so I calmly picked him and carried him (kicking and screaming). Once in his bedroom, I asked him if he wanted the door open or closed, and he said he wanted it open. I left it at that and walked out.

To my pleasant surprise, he actually stayed in his room. I heard some crashing in his bedroom, but gave him his space while he worked through his emotions. He calmed down and a few minutes later he came down the stairs and told me he was sorry. I gave him a big hug, told him I loved him, and that was it! I didn't explain to him why he went to his room, I didn't dwell on it or tell him I was upset or disappointed or anything. He was happy, I was happy.

The story continues. As part of bedtime, Micah knows that if he does a good job listening and getting ready for bed, then there is more time left for extra stories. He did a pretty good job tonight, so I was happy to tell him we'd have time for an extra story. We went into his bedroom, and then I noticed the huge mess of books in the corner.

"Ohhh no" I said in a very sincere and sad voice. "Micah, look at that big mess over there! What happened? Was that you or Tanner?"

He told me he had pulled all the books off the shelf during his tantrum from the afternoon (ah, so that's what that crash was). Again, here is where the L&L sincere empathy and logic comes in. "Micah, I'm sorry bud. I was looking forward to reading an extra story with you tonight, but now we need to clean up this mess."

He was sincerely disappointed, and so was I. As we were cleaning up the mess, he told me that next time he is upset, he shouldn't throw a tantrum. He couldn't have said it better if the L&L instructor had paid him in ice cream!

Score for dad! Score for Micah! The rest of bedtime went very smoothly, as we enjoyed our one story together and cuddled. I admit, this seems like somewhat of an outlier. Things could have very easily gone another way, and they will likely not be as smooth the next time. But hey, we can celebrate the success tonight and look forward to long-term improvement.

Embrace Failure

I'm currently reading/listening to Creativity, Inc. by Ed Catmull, president of Pixar Animation. Although the book's target audience is managers, I'm finding the content very applicable as both a team member and a father.

I'm fascinated by the parallels between good management practices in the workplace and how you can apply similar principles in the home as a parent. Of course, not everything translates to home life, but a lot of concepts that involve growing/inspiring your employees do to their best work can be applied to parenting children.

For example, the concept of failing quickly, embracing failure, and even encouraging failure, has been a strong theme through what I’ve read so far. At the beginning of the chapter “Fear and Failure” Catmull says,

"Failure is a manifestation of learning and exploration. If you aren't experiencing failure, then you are making a far worse mistake: You are being driven by the desire to avoid it." 

Catmull admits this is much easier said than done, and that he is not the first person to talk about the positive side of failure, but offers some great insights and very interesting examples of how this is done at Pixar.

What would such an environment look like in a family? Can I create a home environment that embraces mistakes? If so, what are the mistakes and failures that I'm trying to embrace? Learning how to write your name and forgetting a letter? Spilling or breaking something? Dumping applesauce on your shirt (and subsequently rubbing it in your hair) when learning to eat with a spoon?

Yes, but I think it goes beyond that. What about “failure” to get dressed when I say it's time for bed? Continuing to play with toys/books after I've asked them to come to the dinner table? Hitting and screaming when a sibling takes a toy?

Stay with me here, but suppose I react to a tantrum the same way a Pixar executive looks at an initial reel of a movie. Catmull calls Pixar’s early versions of their films “ugly babies” because they all start out ugly but have potential. The early reel is nothing like the polished product, but Pixar has created an environment that allows the team to separate ideas from the people who created them, fail and iterate quickly, and grow the film from an "ugly baby" to a huge success.

What I’m getting at here is that my kids are ugly 😊. But really, seeing my kids as future “blockbusters” helps me to put things in perspective. When someone messes up, I can recognize it as a very natural part of progress. If I create an environment that stifles self-expression or otherwise limits my child’s tendency toward experiential learning, I may be depriving them of vital steps toward maturity. Instead of doing everything I can to prevent a tantrum or mess, I can see it as a raw form of a future success by expecting it, helping us all to learn from it, and embracing it.

I'm learning to embrace mistakes not just in my children, but also in myself. I strive to be the best and do my best in all my pursuits. This is great and all, but if it comes at the expense of avoiding mistakes, I am doing myself a disservice, especially in parenting. I am learning to be much more forgiving of myself and learning how to move on quickly after I "mess up."

My own attitude about my personal failures affects the way I react to the mistakes of my children. Catmull says this is key is creating an environment that allows failure without fear:

"If we as leaders can talk about our mistakes and our part in them, then we make it safe for others. You don’t run from it or pretend it doesn’t exist. ... While we don't want too many failures, we must think of the cost of failure as an investment in the future."

Sometimes it can be really hard, but I make it a point to apologize to my children if I did something wrong. Let’s say I yell in anger during a particularly frustrating evening. It would be easy for me to blame (or worse, shame) them for my behavior. If I were to do this, it would (among other things) erode the environment that makes mistakes safe. Instead, I dismiss the thought that apologizing to my kids undermines my authority and then I ask them for forgiveness because I want them to know that what I did was not okay, independent of whatever it was that led up to me doing it.

This post would be incomplete if I did not mention the Power that has personally allowed me to embrace failure. As I've allowed Christ to ease the burden of my mistakes and shortcomings, I am empowered to do the same for my children.

Maybe it’s just where I’m at in my spiritual maturity, but just in the past couple months, I’ve noticed a trend in what I hear in church about the importance of embracing repentance. Repentance isn't something we do when we mess up; it is an essential and joyful part of spiritual growth. Similarly, embracing failure is much different than "accept me for who I am." Instead it says, "accept that mistakes are vital to growth. Learn from them and move on quickly.”

I hope that by talking openly about my need for repentance and growth, I can show the kids that I am not perfect, and they don't need to be either. I can show them that with Christ, they can become more than who they are today. We all make mistakes, even dad. Don't avoid them, embrace them.

Prince of Peace

For the last number years, the church has run a social media campaign during both Christmas and Easter focused on Christ. I always enjoy the videos and messages as they help me reflect on my relationship with the Savior and His love. This year's Easter message focused on the message #PrinceOfPeace.

The Lord continues to bless me with experiences to help me remember how dependent I am on Him. As a father, I pray that the Lord will make me more than I am so that I can be the parent He needs me to be. When I pray in the spirit of humility, acknowledging and confessing my weaknesses and pleading with the Lord that he strengthen me, I feel His spirit come.

The spirit of the Lord is the spirit of love. I pray that love be the driving force in my interactions with each of my children. As a father, I am a protector, and the best way I can protect my home is inviting the fortifying strength of the Prince of Peace.

p.s. After I wrote this post last night, we read Mosiah 4:10-12 for scripture study this morning. King Benjamin says it perfectly: "Ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you...and always retain in remembrance the greatness of God and your own nothingness and his goodness...and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily...if ye do this ye shall always rejoice and be filled with the love of God."

Affirmations

I hope to still write some posts here and there, even though I don't have a weekly goal anymore. After my last post, Jonathan and I talked about a few ideas so that we could keep the conversation going. He emailed me the other day and shared a strategy that has been working for him:

I had the thought that I can try coming up with some positive parenting affirmations to say to myself each day to try to form healthier thought habits. I partially got the idea from some of Melissa's hypnobabies stuff, where she has pregnancies affirmations to create good thought patterns. This has helped me have more realistic expectations of the kids and myself, and helped me have a better attitude. It isn't necessarily a new idea, but new packaging can help restart some good habits sometimes. 

I realized I have some phrases that I use too. Thinking about them as affirmations actually encouraged me to think about them more often. This has been especially helpful this week as I've been solo at home (Sadie left on Thurs to visit her sister) and has helped me maintain a positive attitude. Here are some that help me:

• "I love being a dad." This one helps me remember to have fun, to choose to enjoy the journey of fatherhood, and to be a loving dad. Granted, it isn't all daisies and butterflies, but helps me put things in perspective. When I head back to work on Weds, I imagine my co-workers asking how my time was. I will be tempted to say something like, "I'm glad to be back at work" and imply that full-time child care is not a pleasant experience. Although changing poopy diapers, dealing with tantrums/fits, and having little personal time during the day is not fun, I hope I can genuinely say I love being a dad. 
• "I am a teacher." This one carries a ton of meaning. Teachers need to know how learners learn. They know when learners are not ready to learn and which methods to use when teaching. Teachers help learners to grow and recognize their achievements, etc. 
• "They're just kids. This is what they do." This phrase helps me a ton. They can't be adults all at once and trying to get them to act like adults is just wasted breath and emotional energy. Sadie has a similar phrase, "It's not a big deal."