Feedback and Praise

Not too long ago, I noticed that praise sometimes had the opposite effect of what I intended. I would notice Arilyn do something good, and I'd say, "Thanks for doing that Arilyn!" Sometimes she'd reply, "I don't want you to say 'thank you'" or she'd stop doing whatever it was I noticed. I asked myself, "How am I supposed to reinforce positive behavior when drawing attention to it seems to deter the very behavior I want to see more of?"

I googled around a bit and found an article that gave me some good insight (sorry, I can't find it again, or else I'd link to it!). My main takeaway was that instead of labeling a behavior as good or bad, state your observation and identify its natural consequences. The article also said that some kids, like many adults, aren't quite sure how to react to "thank you." Have you ever had someone say "thank you" for some trivial thing, and thought, "uhh, you're welcome. I guess."

If I am honest with myself, the main motivation for my "thank you" wasn't really that I appreciated what she was doing. Really, I was trying to influence her behavior and try to get her to do more of what I wanted her to do. Kids are pretty perceptive, and like the rest of us, don't want to feel manipulated.

I tweaked my approach a little, and I found I felt better about the feedback I gave, and the kids seemed to respond to it better. "Arilyn, I see that you put your plate in the sink! Thanks, that helps keep the kitchen clean." "Arilyn, you brushed your teeth without me having to ask you! Your teeth can be happy teeth now." "Micah, you put your shoes away! Now we know where to find them next time!"

This principle goes beyond parenting. In the workplace, giving feedback to coworkers is very important. You can find tons of business-y articles about effective ways to give feedback, and they focus on the same idea - explain your observation, be specific, explain the impact, be positive, etc. I find that I have more positive interactions with my kids when I remember that they are real people, and I need to treat them with the same (if not more) respect that I would treat a team member or coworker.

The classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" has a whole section on giving sincere praise. Carnegie gives several examples showing that people know when praise is insincere or manipulative. I want to give praise abundantly to my kids, but I need to make sure it is heartfelt.

I still say "good job" or give a simple "thank you." But the more often I make the effort to be specific and sincere, the more effective I find my praise and feedback.