Inventory

In a previous post, I mentioned working through the 12-step addiction recovery program. I've finally gotten around to working on step four - "Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself." This step involves writing down all of your memories and examining your thoughts and behaviors. The idea is that as you are honest about seeking truth about yourself, you can free yourself from behaviors that lead to sin.

As I'm working on my inventory, I've been focusing on a few questions: Why do I feel a need to control the kids? Where do power struggles come from? Where writing down all of my memories is a pretty big task, I tried to focus on thoughts that would answer these questions.

No surprise, I found I put a lot of pressure on myself to do what I consider to be the "right" thing. Even the casual reader of my blog can probably tell how hard I try to be a good dad, and how I'm always seeking to improve. Even from my earliest memories, the times in my life where I've been the most angry have been times when I've taken a situation personally and felt like I've failed. Most times I've cried or lost my temper have been when I've felt inadequate or have been upset with myself for not being better.

Since I put so much pressure on myself to do and be good, this desire to be disciplined extends to those who I feel are a part of me: my kids. The thing is though, even though I may feel like they are part of me (e.g. their behavior is a reflection of my quality of parenting), they are actually their own people. I can control myself, but they are agents unto themselves. When they act in a way that is not "ideal" then this triggers similar coping mechanisms that I have used for dealing with my own personal failures.

The desire for improvement is good and striving for the ideal is a good thing, but too much pressure can cause me to lose focus on what is most important.

So what's a guy like me to do? Well for starters, chill out. In general, I feel like I've been doing better with this. Let the kids be kids. They don't have to grow up all at once, and recognizing this has helped me. Before I had kids, I thought I'd never tolerate whining. Reality is though, sometimes they just can't communicate like an adult (gasp!) and there are other issues that need to be addressed besides their tone. Whining still really bugs me, but I've learned to pick my battles (most of the time).

I also remind myself that their temper tantrum is not my failure. I don't need to take it personally, because it's really not about me; its just something about their world that isn't quite right.

I've learned a few other things in my inventory, but those are the high points. I'm learning how to recognize my natural tendencies and re-frame them into positive traits. I'm also learning that I'm not alone. It is okay to lay imperfections at the feet of my Savior. I can be okay with not doing everything right, because Christ's grace is enough for me.

Presents and Presence

We had a wonderful Christmas weekend and just enjoyed being together. We had a lot of fun - tickling, singing, dancing, eating, (including accidentally eating plastic - you gotta take the plastic off the fruit roll up first Arilyn :)), coloring, playing, watching a movie, laughing, wrestling, reading lots of books, sledding, crafts.

It was really relaxing to just have a weekend where the only important thing on my to-do list was to be with the family. We were invited to a pot luck on Saturday, and although it was tempting, we really just wanted to focus on being with each other and be in the moment.

A few times I found myself starting to get annoyed when things weren't happening just how I wanted them to, but when I reminded myself to just drop expectations and be present, I was much happier. Christmas can be tough because too often we have a lot of expectations about how we think things should work, or we want things to be just right.

Sure, there were plenty of opportunities this weekend to be upset, but realistically, those times are always going to be there. I'm grateful for the blessing of family, and especially for Sadie, who helped in many ways to make this weekend so special.

Here are a few pics. Merry Christmas!

Coloring a ginger bread house

Arilyn enjoyed some dress up clothes from grandma and grandpa

Where's Tanner? There he is!

This girl loves to color. She's getting pretty good too!

We moved the train set up to Micah's closet, where it'd be safer from the wrath of Tanner-zilla. Micah is also rocking the bow tie we got him. He's a pretty good-looking dude.

Vision

A couple months ago, I was asked to put together workshop for newer employees about how to have effective one-to-one meetings with their team lead. I just finished piloting the workshop and got some pretty positive feedback. One of the exercises in the workshop focuses on helping the participants develop their own career growth strategies, including setting a vision and developing daily systems to be your best each day at work.

You can find tons of business-y articles about mission statements, visions, strategies, etc, the differences between them and how to develop them. One exercise that I like is to write a sentence or two in the present tense that describes the person (or career) you want to be. 

Tonight I took a few minutes to revisit my vision statement as a father. This was something I had written awhile back, but hasn't been something I refer to often. Sadie and I talked a little about the kind of parents we want to be, and here is what I came up with:

I love my kids unconditionally, and they know that I love them. I am a teacher and protector. I understand the capacities of my children and help them reach their potential. I love being a dad.

Still needs a little tweaking, but I am going to print this out and put it somewhere visible so I can continue to evaluate what is most important for me.

Preside

I wasn't quite sure what to blog about, so I did a quick search on lds.org for fatherhood. I came across this 2004 talk by Elder Perry.

Elder Perry started by discussing examples of righteous fathers in the scriptures, quoted from the Family Proclamation, and then outlined responsibilities of fathers.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I hear the role of the father is to preside. I'll sometimes have a hard time reconciling quotes like this:

"There is no higher authority in matters relating to the family organization, and especially when that organization is presided over by one holding the higher priesthood, than that of the father"

with quotes like this:

"In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals."

How can we say husband and wife are equal when it is the husband who is the "highest authority?" This kind of quote almost makes it sound like the man is the boss. I have been conditioned to think that "preside" means "better" when really that is not what these quotes are saying.

It helps me to think of the difference between "lead" and "manage." To oversimplify, a leader sets the vision and the manager executes it. Management is only one skill that is needed on the team to complete a project. I could be the best software engineer, but not be a good leader; likewise, I could be a great technical project manager, but not be a great programmer. The engineer and the manager are fulfilling different essential roles, and neither is more important than the other. Both are following the vision for the company set by executive leadership.

I see the Lord as the leader of the home, and husband and wife as the team that is executing His vision. The Lord has asked the husband to take on the role of presiding, providing, and protecting. These responsibilities do not carry greater status or importance than that of the nurturer. They share and support the vision of building the kingdom within the walls of their home.

One last quote of the talk I mentioned at the beginning:

"Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it always will be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home. It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment."

I certainly don't feel the most worthy or best qualified, but I do know that the Lord has called me as a father in Zion. I am humbled by this calling, and I know He will sustain me as I look to him.

The Director

I'm in a neuroscience/psychology phase with my audio books right now. I've mentioned Thinking, Fast and Slow and The Power of Habit, and now I'm halfway through Your Brain at Work. I find these kinds of books fascinating - how they summarize vast amounts of research to explain everyday thinking and decision making by detailing what's going on inside your brain. I especially enjoy seeing how a principle I've learned about in another way, or just life experience, can be explained from a whole new angle, using different vocabulary.

Your Brain at Work uses a theater metaphor to explain various concepts about the brain. The stage illustrates your consciousness, actors are thoughts/tasks, audience members may be memories or subconscious thoughts, etc. This metaphor is used along side explanations of the prefrontal cortex, limbic system, basal ganglia, amygdala, etc. to help explain your brain so that you can focus better and be more productive at work.

One of the key concepts of the book is learning how to empower the director. Being aware of who is on the stage -- also called meta-cognition or meta-awareness -- gives you a greater ability to direct the actors on the stage. You can strengthen the director by practicing thinking about your thinking; observe your own behavior and thoughts as if you are someone else.

Although many of my takeaways from my reading are not new concepts, it is really interesting to learn why these ideas work at a neuroscience level. Understanding the roles of dopamine (chemical that triggers feelings of reward and happiness) and norepinephrine (aka adrenaline, aka fight/flight response that triggers fear, stress, alertness, etc.) and how they affect the performance of your prefrontal cortext (the thinking part of your brain) and the limbic system (emotion/reactive part of your brain) really helps me experience experiences differently. The book uses the phrase "activate your director" to think about what is going on in your brain and to be more deliberate about regulating it.

Okay, now that I've geeked out for a bit, how does this apply to being a dad? I'll try to adapt some of the strategies from Act II (Stay Cool Under Pressure) in the context of parenting young children.

• Label my emotional state
• Recognizing my own emotions and giving a them a name is better than trying to suppress them. A quick word or metaphor helps triggers my prefrontal cortext, rather than letting the narrative of the emotion run wild in the limbic system.
• Example: I tell Micah I need to change his diaper so we can go get in the car, but he's busy being a two-year old. I'm feeling time pressure to leave and powerless to control Micah's behavior and the only option that comes to my head is to grab him and pin him down (not a good approach). Simply telling myself, "I'm feeling pressure and powerlessness" reduces arousal in my limbic system and allows me to think more rationally about the situation.
• Reappraise my perception of choice
• Lack of control can be perceived as a threat by the brain and can limit your ability to think rationally. When I start to feel my choices are limited, I need to recognize it is happening and reappraise the situation to alter my perception of choice. I can do this by re-framing my perspective, normalizing (accepting my emotions are normal), or reordering (identify the main value that is driving the feeling of powerlessness and think of something else that is more important).
• Example: Arilyn is very tired/hungry at dinner time and happens to have no clothes on. She's upset because we're asking her to go get dressed, but demands we put clothes on for her. I want her to know that getting dressed is her responsibility.
• Re-framing - Instead of feeling like my kids never listen to me, I can reinterpret the situation as a teaching opportunity. Instead of feeling like I have no control over Arilyn's behavior, I see the choice I have to be a teacher. My perception of choice reduces activity in the limbic system and gives my prefrontal cortex space to be the parent I want to be.
• Normalizing - I recognize I'm getting frustrated because I can't control Arilyn's behavior. By acknowledging this is a very common feeling for a parent of a four-year old, I reduce the level of uncertainty my brain is feeling (e.g. not knowing why things are happening the way they are) and am better able to regulate my emotions.
• Reordering - At the moment, I may be thinking that the most important thing is that Arilyn be obedient and learn how to take care of herself. My sense of control is jeopardized because my "values" aren't being taken care of. The "director" steps in and identifies that helping Arilyn feel understood is more important than teaching her to put her own clothes on.
• It's important to remember that the perception of choice is also important in understanding my children's reaction to a situation.
• Managing expectations
• My expectations produce activity in my brain (think placebo effect) and alter the way I experience a situation. Unmet expectations can produce a threat response in the brain.
• Example: Suppose Tanner wakes up crying in the middle of the night or seems to be yelling for no apparent reason at any other point during the day. If I'm expecting a full night's rest or a baby that can effectively communicate, I end up a little frustrated. To make it a more positive experience, I need to reset expectations and understand this is to be expected of a 15-month old. Thinking about my expectations and resetting them is a constant need in parenting.

So how have I been doing at "activating the director?" Well, it's a lot to think about, especially when I'm in the moment. Sometimes it actually seems to be detrimental because I'm trying to figure out how to regulate my natural dopamine levels or activate my prefrontal cortext, which then becomes one more challenge to deal with. I have found that saying a little prayer -- which is a form of meta-cognition -- seems to be more effective.

With all the books I've read, I've found that almost every principle of the gospel can be explained by a term in neuroscience, behavioral science, psychology, sociology, etc. Faith, scripture study, prayer, the natural man, repentance, baptism, belief in an afterlife, concept of laying your burdens at the feet of a Savior; so many of these principles could be explained in technical terms and backed up by a study of some kind.

True principles are found in many different disciplines even if they come with different names. I enjoy learning about these principles from different angles and it helps me understand them better. The restored Gospel of Jesus Christ is the deluxe boxed set of truth and while it does contain a lot of exclusive content, that doesn’t mean truth cannot be found in other places.

Just because we can use science to explain some of the principles that govern how God works, doesn't mean that God isn't working.

Belief doesn't just happen; it is a conscious choice. I could just as easily chose not to believe, to think I'm just another mammal that exists on the planet for a short period of time. I've talked with many people who use science to disprove or explain away God. This is the point I choose to believe. I choose to know I am a son of a loving Father in Heaven and that I am saved by the grace of his Son, Jesus Christ. He is my director.