Inventory

In a previous post, I mentioned working through the 12-step addiction recovery program. I've finally gotten around to working on step four - "Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself." This step involves writing down all of your memories and examining your thoughts and behaviors. The idea is that as you are honest about seeking truth about yourself, you can free yourself from behaviors that lead to sin.

As I'm working on my inventory, I've been focusing on a few questions: Why do I feel a need to control the kids? Where do power struggles come from? Where writing down all of my memories is a pretty big task, I tried to focus on thoughts that would answer these questions.

No surprise, I found I put a lot of pressure on myself to do what I consider to be the "right" thing. Even the casual reader of my blog can probably tell how hard I try to be a good dad, and how I'm always seeking to improve. Even from my earliest memories, the times in my life where I've been the most angry have been times when I've taken a situation personally and felt like I've failed. Most times I've cried or lost my temper have been when I've felt inadequate or have been upset with myself for not being better.

Since I put so much pressure on myself to do and be good, this desire to be disciplined extends to those who I feel are a part of me: my kids. The thing is though, even though I may feel like they are part of me (e.g. their behavior is a reflection of my quality of parenting), they are actually their own people. I can control myself, but they are agents unto themselves. When they act in a way that is not "ideal" then this triggers similar coping mechanisms that I have used for dealing with my own personal failures.

The desire for improvement is good and striving for the ideal is a good thing, but too much pressure can cause me to lose focus on what is most important.

So what's a guy like me to do? Well for starters, chill out. In general, I feel like I've been doing better with this. Let the kids be kids. They don't have to grow up all at once, and recognizing this has helped me. Before I had kids, I thought I'd never tolerate whining. Reality is though, sometimes they just can't communicate like an adult (gasp!) and there are other issues that need to be addressed besides their tone. Whining still really bugs me, but I've learned to pick my battles (most of the time).

I also remind myself that their temper tantrum is not my failure. I don't need to take it personally, because it's really not about me; its just something about their world that isn't quite right.

I've learned a few other things in my inventory, but those are the high points. I'm learning how to recognize my natural tendencies and re-frame them into positive traits. I'm also learning that I'm not alone. It is okay to lay imperfections at the feet of my Savior. I can be okay with not doing everything right, because Christ's grace is enough for me.