Best Things a Father Can Do

My goal is post at least once each week, and technically my last post was on Saturday. I already know I won't time time the rest of this week to post, so here's a quick thought from Elder Christofferson's talk from the last General Conference.

This video quote sums it up beautifully: "Loving the mother of his children - and showing that love - are two of the best things a father can do for his children."

I have felt the truth of this statement many times. First, a loved mother is a happier mother. When Sadie feels appreciated and loved, she is better enabled in her divine role as a nurturer. She has a special ability to love and teach in a way that I can't, so I try my best to remove any obstacles that prevent her from doing that. I see one of my roles as a father as filling the emotional gas tank of the mother of my children.

Another truth I have found is that children feel more secure and loved when they see love being shown. Sadie has taught me a ton about this. I didn't think of myself as a real "huggy" person before we got married, but I'm learning how important it is (and I'm enjoying it!). The kids love "sandwich hugs." When they see mom and dad hugging, they run over and squeeze in between us to make a sandwich.

Taking care of a garden is a lot more than just watering the plants. Preparing the soil and keeping the weeds out is just as import to help the plants grow strong and healthy. To be the best dad for my children, I need to focus on their mother.

Power struggle

I needed to get some emotions out, and Sadie encouraged me to write in my journal or to blog. What I came up with is half journal, half blogish. It's a bit of a word-vomit and uncensored in the sense that I just wrote my emotions for what they were, not what I felt they should be. So proceed with caution :)

Tonight was one of those nights. I feel trapped. It’s a cycle that keeps feeding on itself. I’m so worried about reinforcing negative behavior. I want to feel respected. Arilyn continued to make demands for things to be done in a certain way or by a certain person, and refused to say please, to talk nicely. I feel like I can’t let her know that it’s okay to talk like she does, but she continues to get out of control as I refuse to acquiesce to her demands.  This turns into a power struggle.

Sometimes I just want to say, “I’m dad, and you listen to me because I said so.” I actually said that at one point tonight, but even as the words left my lips, I knew it was futile. It just doesn’t work. It’s not the parenting style we’ve developed up to this point, and the kids aren’t trained to respond to that. We try so hard to give them choices, to empower them in their own little world, but when they’re tired and we’re tired, that system breaks down. Decision making, defining choices and consequences takes a lot more mental effort. When my disciplined, patient, self-monitored, logical brain is worn out my impulsive, reactive, emotional brain takes over (concept from Thinking, Fast and Slow – book review to come sometime later).

How do we patch this “gap” in our parenting? Yes, we want to teach them and empower them, but the reality is that this concept breaks down, on both sides. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like a three- or two-year-old is really ready for some of the concepts we try to introduce.

Sadie and I talked for a little tonight, and she came up with an idea. We set expectations that some decisions are Arilyn (or Micah) decisions and some decisions are mommy and daddy decisions. We need to ask them to trust us that we’re doing what is best for them. They do need to understand that some things are not negotiable. We hope (cross your fingers) that by clearly differentiating what is their choice and what is not, they can still feel the power they need to develop their own sense of control.

The skeptic in me sees many ways this won’t work. That’s okay. We’ll try this, and continue to work out the kinks.

I also need to express how grateful I am for Sadie. We seem to trade off having hard nights, and strengthen each other and are each other’s counselor. I stayed level-headed tonight, but I was pretty flustered and had to tap out. Sadie encouraged me to put my data-dad hat on. I didn’t want to. I was just tired, and tired of dealing with everything. But I knew she was right, and I knew her counsel was directed by the Spirit. I resisted for a few more minutes, but then started to write.

So how did things finally get resolved tonight? Well, things got tense for a little bit. I made a few reactive ultimatums (“if you come out of your bed one more time, I’m going to take your frog away. Now repeat back, what will happen if you come out of your room?”) and then followed through with them. This only heated up the situation as Arilyn went ballistic because she came out of her room having forgotten our conversation from only a few minutes before. I had made it through what was now an hour-long tantrum without losing my own temper, but I was close to the breaking point. I just went into my own world, doing the dishes.

At this point, Sadie stepped in again. Earlier, Sadie and mentioned that the spirit was gone. All of us had been a bit on the rude, power-struggle mentality. When Sadie talked to Arilyn to help calm her down, Sadie did one of the best things to invite the spirit back – testify of the Savior. Sadie explained how Jesus has felt our pain and is always there for us to help us feel his love. After Arilyn calmed down, Sadie pointed out the difference in how we were feeling from earlier, and explained the influence of the Spirit. Kids are remarkably sensitive to the spirit and they crave spiritual instruction. We need to keep that in mind as we continue on this journey that is parenthood.

Teaching Flowchart

The idea for this flowchart was one of the big things that motivated me to finally start this blog. After a particularly hard night a month or two ago, Sadie suggested we watch this webinar put on by Positive Parenting Solutions. As we watched, I started scribbling out this flowchart. A lot of these ideas have come from mine and Sadie's parenting experience, but the part about consequences was a great learning from the webinar.

I've been thinking about it for awhile, and I finally got around to diagramming it out tonight. It's not a perfect or comprehensive solution, but it is a good start. I'm going to print this out and continue to study and tweak it.

Data-driven Meal Planning

I've sorta been on vacation from being a dad for the past ten days (Sadie and the kids are in Green River visiting grandma), so needless to say I haven't had many dad moments to write about. Seems like a good time to write about how our meal planning has been going.

I wrote about Data-driven Meal Planning on Sadie's blog back in October. I'm happy to say it's been a success! The chart is still working for us, although it's not perfect. We sit down at the beginning of the week and see which meal plan we're on. Then we map it out to specific days that week depending on what else is going on during the week. The concept is still good, but we're finding the kids don't like many of the meals, so we're having to adjust a little.

I have found that taking a more active role in meal planning has been a huge help for Sadie. I average 1-2 nights of cooking during the week, so it isn't much, but I know Sadie has really appreciated the little I can do. Even if I can just plan the meal and she cooks it, it's a huge help. I've learned that being a good father involves taking on much of the home responsibilities and serving my wife as best I can. As we share the burden of home chores, it allows Sadie to focus more on her divine role as a nurturer in our home. On the other hand, when I don't share in the responsibilites, home life isn't as smooth.

Framing

This idea has been on my mind for awhile, and it really helps me when parenting, especially when dealing with tantrums, etc. For me the basic concept is this:

Can I change my frame of reference to understand this behavior differently?

I did an internship at VitalSmarts, and their material on Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations has a similar concept called "Master My Stories." Basically it's this: What's the explanation I'm giving myself to explain this behavior? Is there another way to explain why a decent would person be acting this way?

I sincerely believe my kids want to be good. Sometimes I forget this, but I really do believe it. One night a while back after feeling exhausted from a night with a strong-willed child, I came across this article, which explained that parents can "see strong-willed kids as people of integrity." Huh. Yeah, that's right. My kid is still learning, and with her limited knowledge believes she is doing what is most appropriate given the circumstances. Rather than forcing her to "obey" I need to teach her what is right, and why it is right, so that she can make the decision she wants to make (which is to do the right thing).

On a similar note, I want to see aspects of Arilyn's personality as strengths. For example, when she gets her mind on something, she doesn't let it go. This often leads to pretty intense, prolonged tantrums when she is denied the thing she really wants. How can I re-frame this in a positive way? I like to think she'll be someone great and channel her passion into something productive. All the greats are a little crazy and a little intense sometimes, right?
Sure, every parent thinks their kid is going to be the president of the United States some day, but why not? Shouldn't every child believe she/he is destined for greatness?

I'm about the exceed my target length for a blog, but I'm going to go off on a related tangent. I think the well-known Ether 12:27 teaches us about re-framing, that our weaknesses may actually just be strengths in disguise. Our weaknesses becoming strong doesn't always mean we gain a new ability per se, but that our existing talent can be applied more constructively. Let's go back to passion or intensity. There are many positive and negative words you can use to describe someone who is passionate. It can be a strength or a weakness depending on how it is applied and channeled. When we come to the Lord with our weaknesses, He will help us see ourselves as we really are, that our tendencies and dispositions are divine gifts from a supreme creator, and that when we focus our eyes on his glory, we can do all things in the strength of the Lord.