Tonight was
one of those nights. I feel trapped. It’s a cycle that keeps feeding on itself.
I’m so worried about reinforcing negative behavior. I want to feel respected.
Arilyn continued to make demands for things to be done in a certain way or by a
certain person, and refused to say please, to talk nicely. I feel like I can’t
let her know that it’s okay to talk like she does, but she continues to get out
of control as I refuse to acquiesce to her demands. This turns into a power struggle.
Sometimes I
just want to say, “I’m dad, and you listen to me because I said so.” I actually
said that at one point tonight, but even as the words left my lips, I knew it
was futile. It just doesn’t work. It’s not the parenting style we’ve developed
up to this point, and the kids aren’t trained to respond to that. We try so
hard to give them choices, to empower them in their own little world, but when
they’re tired and we’re tired, that system breaks down. Decision making,
defining choices and consequences takes a lot more mental effort. When my
disciplined, patient, self-monitored, logical brain is worn out my impulsive,
reactive, emotional brain takes over (concept from Thinking, Fast and Slow –
book review to come sometime later).
How do we
patch this “gap” in our parenting? Yes, we want to teach them and empower them,
but the reality is that this concept breaks down, on both sides. Sometimes it
just doesn’t feel like a three- or two-year-old is really ready for some of the
concepts we try to introduce.
Sadie and I
talked for a little tonight, and she came up with an idea. We set expectations
that some decisions are Arilyn (or Micah) decisions and some decisions are
mommy and daddy decisions. We need to ask them to trust us that we’re doing
what is best for them. They do need to understand that some things are not
negotiable. We hope (cross your fingers) that by clearly differentiating what
is their choice and what is not, they can still feel the power they need to
develop their own sense of control.
The skeptic
in me sees many ways this won’t work. That’s okay. We’ll try this, and continue
to work out the kinks.
I also need
to express how grateful I am for Sadie. We seem to trade off having hard
nights, and strengthen each other and are each other’s counselor. I stayed
level-headed tonight, but I was pretty flustered and had to tap out. Sadie
encouraged me to put my data-dad hat on. I didn’t want to. I was just tired,
and tired of dealing with everything. But I knew she was right, and I knew her
counsel was directed by the Spirit. I resisted for a few more minutes, but then
started to write.
So how did
things finally get resolved tonight? Well, things got tense for a little bit. I
made a few reactive ultimatums (“if you come out of your bed one more time, I’m
going to take your frog away. Now repeat back, what will happen if you come out
of your room?”) and then followed through with them. This only heated up the
situation as Arilyn went ballistic because she came out of her room having
forgotten our conversation from only a few minutes before. I had made it through what was now an hour-long tantrum without losing my own temper, but I was close to the breaking point. I just went into my own world, doing the dishes.
At this point,
Sadie stepped in again. Earlier, Sadie and mentioned that the spirit was gone. All
of us had been a bit on the rude, power-struggle mentality. When Sadie talked
to Arilyn to help calm her down, Sadie did one of the best things to invite the
spirit back – testify of the Savior. Sadie explained how Jesus has felt our
pain and is always there for us to help us feel his love. After Arilyn calmed
down, Sadie pointed out the difference in how we were feeling from earlier, and
explained the influence of the Spirit. Kids are remarkably sensitive to the
spirit and they crave spiritual instruction. We need to keep that in mind as we
continue on this journey that is parenthood.
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