Inventory

In a previous post, I mentioned working through the 12-step addiction recovery program. I've finally gotten around to working on step four - "Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself." This step involves writing down all of your memories and examining your thoughts and behaviors. The idea is that as you are honest about seeking truth about yourself, you can free yourself from behaviors that lead to sin.

As I'm working on my inventory, I've been focusing on a few questions: Why do I feel a need to control the kids? Where do power struggles come from? Where writing down all of my memories is a pretty big task, I tried to focus on thoughts that would answer these questions.

No surprise, I found I put a lot of pressure on myself to do what I consider to be the "right" thing. Even the casual reader of my blog can probably tell how hard I try to be a good dad, and how I'm always seeking to improve. Even from my earliest memories, the times in my life where I've been the most angry have been times when I've taken a situation personally and felt like I've failed. Most times I've cried or lost my temper have been when I've felt inadequate or have been upset with myself for not being better.

Since I put so much pressure on myself to do and be good, this desire to be disciplined extends to those who I feel are a part of me: my kids. The thing is though, even though I may feel like they are part of me (e.g. their behavior is a reflection of my quality of parenting), they are actually their own people. I can control myself, but they are agents unto themselves. When they act in a way that is not "ideal" then this triggers similar coping mechanisms that I have used for dealing with my own personal failures.

The desire for improvement is good and striving for the ideal is a good thing, but too much pressure can cause me to lose focus on what is most important.

So what's a guy like me to do? Well for starters, chill out. In general, I feel like I've been doing better with this. Let the kids be kids. They don't have to grow up all at once, and recognizing this has helped me. Before I had kids, I thought I'd never tolerate whining. Reality is though, sometimes they just can't communicate like an adult (gasp!) and there are other issues that need to be addressed besides their tone. Whining still really bugs me, but I've learned to pick my battles (most of the time).

I also remind myself that their temper tantrum is not my failure. I don't need to take it personally, because it's really not about me; its just something about their world that isn't quite right.

I've learned a few other things in my inventory, but those are the high points. I'm learning how to recognize my natural tendencies and re-frame them into positive traits. I'm also learning that I'm not alone. It is okay to lay imperfections at the feet of my Savior. I can be okay with not doing everything right, because Christ's grace is enough for me.

Presents and Presence

We had a wonderful Christmas weekend and just enjoyed being together. We had a lot of fun - tickling, singing, dancing, eating, (including accidentally eating plastic - you gotta take the plastic off the fruit roll up first Arilyn :)), coloring, playing, watching a movie, laughing, wrestling, reading lots of books, sledding, crafts.

It was really relaxing to just have a weekend where the only important thing on my to-do list was to be with the family. We were invited to a pot luck on Saturday, and although it was tempting, we really just wanted to focus on being with each other and be in the moment.

A few times I found myself starting to get annoyed when things weren't happening just how I wanted them to, but when I reminded myself to just drop expectations and be present, I was much happier. Christmas can be tough because too often we have a lot of expectations about how we think things should work, or we want things to be just right.

Sure, there were plenty of opportunities this weekend to be upset, but realistically, those times are always going to be there. I'm grateful for the blessing of family, and especially for Sadie, who helped in many ways to make this weekend so special.

Here are a few pics. Merry Christmas!

Coloring a ginger bread house

Arilyn enjoyed some dress up clothes from grandma and grandpa

Where's Tanner? There he is!

This girl loves to color. She's getting pretty good too!

We moved the train set up to Micah's closet, where it'd be safer from the wrath of Tanner-zilla. Micah is also rocking the bow tie we got him. He's a pretty good-looking dude.

Vision

A couple months ago, I was asked to put together workshop for newer employees about how to have effective one-to-one meetings with their team lead. I just finished piloting the workshop and got some pretty positive feedback. One of the exercises in the workshop focuses on helping the participants develop their own career growth strategies, including setting a vision and developing daily systems to be your best each day at work.

You can find tons of business-y articles about mission statements, visions, strategies, etc, the differences between them and how to develop them. One exercise that I like is to write a sentence or two in the present tense that describes the person (or career) you want to be. 

Tonight I took a few minutes to revisit my vision statement as a father. This was something I had written awhile back, but hasn't been something I refer to often. Sadie and I talked a little about the kind of parents we want to be, and here is what I came up with:

I love my kids unconditionally, and they know that I love them. I am a teacher and protector. I understand the capacities of my children and help them reach their potential. I love being a dad.

Still needs a little tweaking, but I am going to print this out and put it somewhere visible so I can continue to evaluate what is most important for me.

Preside

I wasn't quite sure what to blog about, so I did a quick search on lds.org for fatherhood. I came across this 2004 talk by Elder Perry.

Elder Perry started by discussing examples of righteous fathers in the scriptures, quoted from the Family Proclamation, and then outlined responsibilities of fathers.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I hear the role of the father is to preside. I'll sometimes have a hard time reconciling quotes like this:

"There is no higher authority in matters relating to the family organization, and especially when that organization is presided over by one holding the higher priesthood, than that of the father"

with quotes like this:

"In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals."

How can we say husband and wife are equal when it is the husband who is the "highest authority?" This kind of quote almost makes it sound like the man is the boss. I have been conditioned to think that "preside" means "better" when really that is not what these quotes are saying.

It helps me to think of the difference between "lead" and "manage." To oversimplify, a leader sets the vision and the manager executes it. Management is only one skill that is needed on the team to complete a project. I could be the best software engineer, but not be a good leader; likewise, I could be a great technical project manager, but not be a great programmer. The engineer and the manager are fulfilling different essential roles, and neither is more important than the other. Both are following the vision for the company set by executive leadership.

I see the Lord as the leader of the home, and husband and wife as the team that is executing His vision. The Lord has asked the husband to take on the role of presiding, providing, and protecting. These responsibilities do not carry greater status or importance than that of the nurturer. They share and support the vision of building the kingdom within the walls of their home.

One last quote of the talk I mentioned at the beginning:

"Fatherhood is leadership, the most important kind of leadership. It has always been so; it always will be so. Father, with the assistance and counsel and encouragement of your eternal companion, you preside in the home. It is not a matter of whether you are most worthy or best qualified, but it is a matter of [divine] appointment."

I certainly don't feel the most worthy or best qualified, but I do know that the Lord has called me as a father in Zion. I am humbled by this calling, and I know He will sustain me as I look to him.

The Director

I'm in a neuroscience/psychology phase with my audio books right now. I've mentioned Thinking, Fast and Slow and The Power of Habit, and now I'm halfway through Your Brain at Work. I find these kinds of books fascinating - how they summarize vast amounts of research to explain everyday thinking and decision making by detailing what's going on inside your brain. I especially enjoy seeing how a principle I've learned about in another way, or just life experience, can be explained from a whole new angle, using different vocabulary.

Your Brain at Work uses a theater metaphor to explain various concepts about the brain. The stage illustrates your consciousness, actors are thoughts/tasks, audience members may be memories or subconscious thoughts, etc. This metaphor is used along side explanations of the prefrontal cortex, limbic system, basal ganglia, amygdala, etc. to help explain your brain so that you can focus better and be more productive at work.

One of the key concepts of the book is learning how to empower the director. Being aware of who is on the stage -- also called meta-cognition or meta-awareness -- gives you a greater ability to direct the actors on the stage. You can strengthen the director by practicing thinking about your thinking; observe your own behavior and thoughts as if you are someone else.

Although many of my takeaways from my reading are not new concepts, it is really interesting to learn why these ideas work at a neuroscience level. Understanding the roles of dopamine (chemical that triggers feelings of reward and happiness) and norepinephrine (aka adrenaline, aka fight/flight response that triggers fear, stress, alertness, etc.) and how they affect the performance of your prefrontal cortext (the thinking part of your brain) and the limbic system (emotion/reactive part of your brain) really helps me experience experiences differently. The book uses the phrase "activate your director" to think about what is going on in your brain and to be more deliberate about regulating it.

Okay, now that I've geeked out for a bit, how does this apply to being a dad? I'll try to adapt some of the strategies from Act II (Stay Cool Under Pressure) in the context of parenting young children.

• Label my emotional state
• Recognizing my own emotions and giving a them a name is better than trying to suppress them. A quick word or metaphor helps triggers my prefrontal cortext, rather than letting the narrative of the emotion run wild in the limbic system.
• Example: I tell Micah I need to change his diaper so we can go get in the car, but he's busy being a two-year old. I'm feeling time pressure to leave and powerless to control Micah's behavior and the only option that comes to my head is to grab him and pin him down (not a good approach). Simply telling myself, "I'm feeling pressure and powerlessness" reduces arousal in my limbic system and allows me to think more rationally about the situation.
• Reappraise my perception of choice
• Lack of control can be perceived as a threat by the brain and can limit your ability to think rationally. When I start to feel my choices are limited, I need to recognize it is happening and reappraise the situation to alter my perception of choice. I can do this by re-framing my perspective, normalizing (accepting my emotions are normal), or reordering (identify the main value that is driving the feeling of powerlessness and think of something else that is more important).
• Example: Arilyn is very tired/hungry at dinner time and happens to have no clothes on. She's upset because we're asking her to go get dressed, but demands we put clothes on for her. I want her to know that getting dressed is her responsibility.
• Re-framing - Instead of feeling like my kids never listen to me, I can reinterpret the situation as a teaching opportunity. Instead of feeling like I have no control over Arilyn's behavior, I see the choice I have to be a teacher. My perception of choice reduces activity in the limbic system and gives my prefrontal cortex space to be the parent I want to be.
• Normalizing - I recognize I'm getting frustrated because I can't control Arilyn's behavior. By acknowledging this is a very common feeling for a parent of a four-year old, I reduce the level of uncertainty my brain is feeling (e.g. not knowing why things are happening the way they are) and am better able to regulate my emotions.
• Reordering - At the moment, I may be thinking that the most important thing is that Arilyn be obedient and learn how to take care of herself. My sense of control is jeopardized because my "values" aren't being taken care of. The "director" steps in and identifies that helping Arilyn feel understood is more important than teaching her to put her own clothes on.
• It's important to remember that the perception of choice is also important in understanding my children's reaction to a situation.
• Managing expectations
• My expectations produce activity in my brain (think placebo effect) and alter the way I experience a situation. Unmet expectations can produce a threat response in the brain.
• Example: Suppose Tanner wakes up crying in the middle of the night or seems to be yelling for no apparent reason at any other point during the day. If I'm expecting a full night's rest or a baby that can effectively communicate, I end up a little frustrated. To make it a more positive experience, I need to reset expectations and understand this is to be expected of a 15-month old. Thinking about my expectations and resetting them is a constant need in parenting.

So how have I been doing at "activating the director?" Well, it's a lot to think about, especially when I'm in the moment. Sometimes it actually seems to be detrimental because I'm trying to figure out how to regulate my natural dopamine levels or activate my prefrontal cortext, which then becomes one more challenge to deal with. I have found that saying a little prayer -- which is a form of meta-cognition -- seems to be more effective.

With all the books I've read, I've found that almost every principle of the gospel can be explained by a term in neuroscience, behavioral science, psychology, sociology, etc. Faith, scripture study, prayer, the natural man, repentance, baptism, belief in an afterlife, concept of laying your burdens at the feet of a Savior; so many of these principles could be explained in technical terms and backed up by a study of some kind.

True principles are found in many different disciplines even if they come with different names. I enjoy learning about these principles from different angles and it helps me understand them better. The restored Gospel of Jesus Christ is the deluxe boxed set of truth and while it does contain a lot of exclusive content, that doesn’t mean truth cannot be found in other places.

Just because we can use science to explain some of the principles that govern how God works, doesn't mean that God isn't working.

Belief doesn't just happen; it is a conscious choice. I could just as easily chose not to believe, to think I'm just another mammal that exists on the planet for a short period of time. I've talked with many people who use science to disprove or explain away God. This is the point I choose to believe. I choose to know I am a son of a loving Father in Heaven and that I am saved by the grace of his Son, Jesus Christ. He is my director.

Gratitude

With Thanksgiving this week, gratitude has been on my mind a bit more. Being a data-driven dad, I did a little research tonight on the psychology of gratitude. I didn't find anything earth-shattering, but did find this article interesting, which points to various research that confirms what we know: gratitude has many mental, social, and physical benefits.

• Physical - stronger immune system, fewer aches, lower blood pressure, better sleep
• Psychological - higher positive emotions, higher alertness, more joy/optimism, mental strength/resilience
• Social - more generous, more helpful, more forgiving, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, deeper relationships

As we feel gratitude, we celebrate the present and acknowledge the goodness of someone beyond ourselves. This helps us replace negative emotions and avoid stress. Gratitude however takes effort and practice, and is a skill that we can improve.

Research suggests that keeping a gratitude journal is one of the most effective ways to improve our ability to be grateful. On a side note, I find it fascinating when research confirms the benefits of living gospel principles. The Lord has long taught us to be grateful, and it is really for our own benefit and happiness.

So what am I grateful for? Let's just start with my family.

I am so grateful for my loving wife Sadie. She is so good to me and has always seen the best in me. Sadie has taught me what it means to love, how to see past faults, and how to sincerely care about someone. Her sincerity and desire for goodness are contagious. She helps me not to take life too seriously, to laugh, and to have fun.

I am grateful for Arilyn. She is such a sweetheart. Tonight when we said our prayers, I asked her what she thought Jesus wanted her to do. She said she wanted to keep being a good helper. She loves learning and teaching. I am grateful for her desire to do what is right.

I am grateful for Micah. That boy is such a funny kid. He loves to laugh and to make everyone else laugh. Ever since he started to talk, Sadie and I like to quote the funny things he says. He's creative, intelligent, loves to build, make up stories, and do puzzles.

I am grateful for Tanner. He also likes to laugh, and loves to be in the middle of the party. He's not afraid of jumping into the dog pile. He's a curious little guy and loves exploring on his own. I am grateful for his tender heart.

I am grateful to be me. I'm grateful for the experiences and talents the Lord has given me to help me understand his grace and mercy. I am grateful for my health and my strength, and the ability to provide a good home for my family.

I am trying to make gratitude be a driving force in my life. As I was writing this post, my computer had a few issues. I'm grateful that thinking about gratitude helped me not get frustrated. See! It's working already :).

One by One

I've noticed lately that my posts have been less analysis and more heart. I'll write a little more about
that when I conclude this blog at the end of the year.

When I was a new missionary in Brazil, I had a companion who had been a zone leader for much of his mission. He introduced me to a concept that I had never thought about before - praying with a pen and paper in hand. He told me how as a zone leader, he would pray for each missionary in the zone, and write down impressions about what that missionary needed. He witnessed the importance of those impressions as he either followed through on (and saw success) or ignored (and saw missed opportunities) each impression.

That lesson has always stayed with me and I have applied it with varying levels of commitment. The past few weeks, I have tried this out a few times, praying for each of my children (and Sadie) by name and writing down either what I can do for them or how I am grateful for them. As I have done this, I have felt increased love for them and a greater feeling of the spirit in my life.

Love Notes

I have to credit this post to Arilyn. At the beginning of the week, she asked Sadie to help her write notes to everyone in the family. Monday evening as I went to bed, I found a sweet note that she had dictated. She had also written notes to Sadie and Micah.

I decided to follow her lead and write a few notes myself. I put one on the fridge where she could find it, and made sure to write her name in big letters so she'd know it was for her. She just loved it. Later in the week I wrote another one, and tried to just use words that she knew how to read so she could read it herself. I also wrote a note to Micah, who enjoyed the attention.

Love is contagious. The more we give and the better we receive love, the more it will grow. Thanks Arilyn, I love you.

Family Fun

The past week or two, I've been listening to the Gospel Solutions for Families series from the Mormon Channel when I'm doing household chores after the kids are in bed. I really liked the two-part conversation about Family Fun, where they discussed the importance of fun and simple ways to have fun with your family. Here are a few of the ideas that stood out:

• Work parties - The whole family gets together to do chores, but make it a party - music, food, dancing, etc.
• Cookie Fridays - Make your home a place where your kids and their friends like to be. One mother discussed a tradition she had of making a lot of desserts on Fridays, and having all their kids' friends over.
• Milestone celebrations - birthdays, graduation, accomplishments, etc. Make them memorable and something to look forward to.
• Family support - as much as possible, have the whole family attend the events of each kid. E.g. soccer games, recitals, etc.
• Spend money on memories, not things. One family said they didn't have a living room couch for 18 years because they put their money toward going out as a family instead.
• Family council = sitting on mom and dad's bed with a carton of ice cream and some spoons.

A part of the discussion also covered "wholesome recreational activities" as mentioned in the Family Proclamation. In that document, family fun is put on the same level as faith, prayer, forgiveness and other gospel principles. Having fun together helps to create the environment where things like forgiveness, work, and repentance possible.  

I've tried to have a little bit more fun this past week, and it really helps (of course). Too often I take life too seriously and too personally and I forget that can actually be a fun guy. Here are some of the ways we like to have fun and be silly as a family:

• Pillow fights for family home evening activity
• Daddy Days - going out on Saturday to different fun things around town.
• Food traditions - We just started doing Egg Castle (German Pancakes) on Sundays. We're working on other traditions.
• Family bike rides. We invested in bike stuff this past summer and we've had the opportunity to go out a few times.
• "Don't tell me no" game. We stole this one from Uncle Eric. You ask the kid, "Do you tell me no?" and then tickle them with either the "yes" or "no" response.
• Games in the morning. A couple times a week, I'll play a short game with the kids in the morning before breakfast or before I go to work.
• Tickle attacks. Sadie often instigates this one. She taught the kids my tickle spots, so sometimes we just like to play this for awhile. Sometimes I like to be a steamroller and roll over the kids too. The kids love it, even Tanner is really into it, right in the middle with everyone else.

What fun things do you like to do with your family?

Rely on the Lord

The church has a really great program for overcoming addictions. Over the past couple years, I've heard a lot of really great things about the program, and how it is helpful even if you don't struggle with addiction. After all - aren't we all trying to overcome the natural man and come closer to Christ?

After a string of difficult parenting moments where I did not act in a way to honor the sacred calling of fatherhood, I decided to work through the program for myself. I've been working on the program a night or two a week, studying the scriptures and writing out responses to the questions.

Step One (honesty) has really stuck with me. It states: "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable." At first I thought, "okay, I don't actually have an addiction, and my life isn't really unmanageable, so I'll just read this stuff as if it doesn't apply to me." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true. I truly am powerless to overcome the natural man on my own. Without Christ, my life really is unmanageable.

I have begun praying daily with this approach - being honest with the Lord and admitting that I am powerless on my own. It has really helped invite the spirit in my life, and helped me truly feel my reliance on the Savior. It has helped me let go of power struggles and open up my heart to the spirit when kids start throwing tantrums.

The program has also helped me feel empathy for those who do struggle with addiction. It has really helped me see them as good people who have struggles, just like everyone else. Addictions don't define people; Christ defines people. Christ makes us good.

I am a Provider

For any of you that follow Sadie's blog, you know that this past week was pretty rough. You know, no matter how many kids you have, there will always be rough mom days, and rough mom weeks. Sadie called me on Friday after a rough morning, and I did my best to listen and assure. After we hung up, I really felt that the best thing I could do for this situation was to be home and give Sadie the afternoon off.

I am blessed that my job is usually flexible enough that taking off with a moment's notice isn't a big deal. I submitted a half-day vacation request, told my team lead I needed to leave, and then walked out. As I was riding home, I was pondering my role as a provider in our home. I go to work so I can support my family. If working isn't supporting my family (whether temporally or spiritually) then work isn't what I need to be doing. Sure, I had commitments at work, but my commitment to my family is more important. Resetting expectations for projects at work is much better than letting my family's needs go unmet. Going home midday isn't always the right thing to do, but this time I really felt it was what was needed, and the spirit confirmed that to me.

I felt appreciation for Heavenly Father's divine plan. I can't speak for all men, but sometimes I have the tendency to think my career is about me. Sure, it's important to excel at work, to plot your career path, and grow and improve. Sometimes putting in extra effort at work is certainly appropriate; but at the end of the day what really matters is my relationship with my family and how I met their needs. Heavenly Father blessed me with a family so I could learn to look outside myself and see the divinity of eternity within the walls of my home.

Lessons from Conference

Two weeks ago was general conference, and of course I was listening for ideas and inspiration about how I can be a better dad. In addition to feeling an overall need to improve my personal spiritual life, I picked out some parenting nuggets from a few talks:

"Come Follow Me" by Practicing Christian Love and Service - Elder Robert D. Hales

• "Parents, you are called to be loving teachers and missionaries to your children and youth"
• "When an opportunity comes to share your thoughts about the gospel and the lessons of life, stop everything, sit down, and talk with your children."
• "The calling to be a parent includes the gift to teach in the ways that are right for you and for your children."
• "Some of our most impactful Christian service is given by holding family scripture study, family prayer, and family council meetings."
• "Let us remember, the most important work we do in our families is through the power of the Holy Ghost. Whenever we raise our voices in anger, the Spirit leaves our companionships and families."
• "We can pray for guidance about when to speak, what to say, and yes, on some occasions, when to be still."

No Greater Joy Than to Know that They Know - K. Brett Nattress

• "I don’t know if anything in this world could bring more happiness and joy than to know that our children know the Savior, to know that they know “to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.” That is why, as members of the Church, “we preach of Christ” and we testify of Christ (2 Nephi 25:26).
• "That is why we pray with our children every day."
• "That is why we read the scriptures with them every day."
• "That is why we teach them to serve others, so that they can hold claim upon the blessings of finding themselves as they lose themselves in the service of others" (see Mark 8:35; Mosiah 2:17).
• "As we devote ourselves to these simple patterns of discipleship, we empower our children with the love of the Savior and with divine direction and protection as they face the fierce winds of the adversary."
• "It is my prayer that we will devote our hearts and our hands to helping all of Heavenly Father’s children to know Him and to feel His love."

The Righteous Judge - Elder Lynn G. Robbins

• "To effectively teach a child is the very essence of good parenting, and to lovingly discipline is the very essence of being a righteous judge."
• "If children are defiant and difficult to control, be patient with them until you can conquer by love, … and you can then [mold] their characters as you please"
• "This scripture teaches us to reprove “when moved upon by the Holy Ghost,” not when moved upon by anger. The Holy Ghost and anger are incompatible"
• "To remember a child’s true identity is a gift of foresight that divinely inspires the vision of a righteous judge."

Teaching as the goal

(Another guest post from Jonathan. Thanks!)

James posted about a month or two ago day about happiness as a determinant of success, rather than the other way around. I had some thoughts on a similar concept, but framed in a different way. Overall, it really comes down to defining “success” so that it is not dependent on the behavior of the kids, which is something that I can’t control (but that doesn’t keep me from trying to control them some days…)

Melissa and I talked not long ago about what we are really trying to do as we interact with the kids. Short-term, it seems like getting them to obey and follow rules is success, so “winning” seems like the goal. However, we came to the conclusion that what we really want is to teach them that obedience is an eternal principle. We want to help them make choices that will ultimately empower them live the gospel and become healthy, productive citizens.

Teaching can be done in a variety of ways, but one of the most powerful tools is example. When I get impatient and upset, and try to authoritatively enforce rules, what am I really teaching by my example? I’ve been trying to just walk away from a situation when I feel it escalating to the point where I won’t be able to teach the way I want to. After all, “if ye receive not the spirit, ye shall not teach” (D&C 42:14).

Having teaching be my goal has helped me cope with stressful situations. I can feel ok about walking away and “resetting” rather than feeling like I have to “win.” It also helps me keep in mind that at the end of the day, what I really want to do is help my kids and do what is best for them in the long term.

Dates with Dad

The performing arts center in downtown Madison has a fun free program each Saturday to help introduce the arts to kids. We've gone a number of times before, and I got an email last week saying that this Saturday's program was about drums and rhythms from around the world. I immediately thought it would be something that Micah would really like, so today just the two of us went.

I really enjoyed the one on one time with Micah, from the car ride, to walking around town, to the show itself. Going on dates with the kids is something Sadie and I are trying to start doing. Arilyn loves the idea, and even circled days on her calendar to remind us to go on dates with her. I bet she'll be the kind of girl to remind boys to go on dates with her, haha.

I remember doing dates with dad growing up and they are some of my favorite memories. I don't think we were very regular about them, but I do remember that special one on one time and looking forward to doing something fun with my dad.

Humility

Oops! I didn't write last night. I felt it was more important to take care of a few other things during my limited personal time during the week and weekend. I did spend a lot of time journaling, so I'm going to pull together some of those thoughts here. Some of these thoughts also come from a personal reflection essay I put together at the beginning of the year (I referred that in the "That Ye Be not Tempted" post).

The Lord has blessed me with experiences to help me know that I am nothing. As I approach the Lord in prayer, I feel especially humble this week. I feel an urgency to have the protecting, healing, and enabling power of the atonement present in my life. I know that I cannot be the father I want/need to be without the help of the Savior.

I find strength to be the person I want to be when I have the spirit with me. When I feel the influence of the Holy Ghost (whether or not I consciously recognize it), I feel happy and confident in the Lord's presence. I feel like a good person. As a fallen man however, too often I confuse the spirit's goodness with my own goodness. I mistakenly think that my happiness is a result of my goodness, when really the happiness is what comes from the grace of the gift of the Holy Ghost. If I make choices that offend the spirit, my perceived goodness vanishes and my own fallen nature becomes clear again to me.

In the past when I heard general authorities express their inadequacies, I often thought,"Really? Come on. You're an apostle. You really can't be serious about not feeling qualified. You're just saying that because that's what you're supposed to say." I thought that part of humility was confessing weaknesses and shortcomings, so sometimes I similarly expressed feelings of inadequacy, even though deep down inside I felt very capable. I wanted to be humble and feel like I relied on the Savior, but deep inside, I was prideful and thought that I was a pretty capable and good person.

The Lord is blessing me with experiences to allow me to deeply feel how truly inadequate I am.
I am coming to feel what I've known in my mind for a long time: we are all less than the dust of the earth. None of us is truly good. President Monson? Dirt. Joseph Smith? Dirt. Nephi? Dirt. They are not good, but learned to allow the spirit to act through them and spread the goodness of God. We are not inherently bad either, but we do need to daily overcome the desires and temptations of the flesh that are part of our fallen and sinful nature. The spirit is essential in allowing Christ to bring out the goodness we inherited from our divine Father.

Decisions, decisions

I'm going to break away from the normal "dad" topic and write a little about decision making. If you read Sadie's blog, you know that this past week we made some decisions about Sadie's classes. School started on Monday for Sadie, and it was a little overwhelming. The last two semesters Sadie took either two or three classes; it really consumed her free-time, and threw life off balance a little. We were trying to figure out if this was really what was best for the family and her long-term.

A while back, I learned about a simple tool for decision making with the letters KUPR:

• KNOWN - What is fact? What do we know about the situation?
• UNKNOWN - What don't we know?
• PRESUMPTIONS - Based on what we know, what do we think is the most probable outcome?
• RISK - What do we stand to lose? What pain could we face as a result of this decision?

This approach has always been helpful for me to organize my thoughts and distinguish fact from guesses. I don't think it's ever been the key to a decision, but more of a helpful brainstorming tool to get started.

As Sadie and I were talking, we (mostly I) started organizing our thoughts with this outline. Once I had it all out, we didn't really refer to it, but it was helpful to at least start thinking about the decision from different angles. 

While this kind of analysis is helpful, I've also learned over the years that emotion plays a vital role in decision making. Trying to map out all the possibilities is important, but really, sometimes you just gotta do what your heart tells you to do. So that's what we did.

When Sadie and I started talking again in the evening, we didn't mention the analysis; we just talked about how we felt. We both felt that the family needed balance, and Sadie spending 15-20 hours a week on homework wouldn't achieve that. We decided that school wasn't the right thing right now, and we brought our decision before the Lord in prayer. We felt great, and decided if we still felt great in the morning, then good-bye classes.

Well the morning came, and both Sadie and I were a little confused. Dropping classes still made sense in my mind, but my heart wasn't in it. Sadie felt the same way; what now?! Long-story short: Sadie learned that she didn't have to finish her degree in 8 years like she thought, so there was no need to cram everything in. She dropped a class, and has been enjoying studying for the remaining class. Taking one class at a time really allows her to enjoy her education and get the most out of it.

I'm very grateful for the processes of receiving revelation through prayer, and for the abilities the Lord gives us to make decisions.

The happy secret to better parenting

Awhile back, I watched this Ted Talk called The happy secret to better work. The speaker explains that happiness actually comes before success, not the other way around. The talk is only about 12 minutes, and well worth your time.

The same can be true in parenting. I've found that on nights when I just focus on being happy and enjoy being a dad, parenting seems to be easier and more "successful." When I think of success as rules, obedience, routines, etc. I tend to be disappointed.

This isn't to say that you can't do both; it's just that the focus on being happy has to come first. My happiness as a dad can't be based on outcomes; it needs to be focused on gratitude, love, optimism.

Play Like a Champion Today

I have a handful of different ideas here that I'm going to try to pull together. My thoughts are a little scattered, but hopefully they all make sense :).

Over the last couple weeks, there have been a few times where I feel like I've acted beneath the sacred calling of fatherhood. Tuesday of this week I sat down, studied, and pondered about how I could do a better job of parenting the way I'd like to parent, especially during bedtime.

The biggest thing on my mind was the priesthood blessing I would be giving Arilyn the next night, before she started school on Thursday. I wanted to be sure I felt good about my relationship with the kids and especially with the Spirit before I gave her a blessing.

I felt I needed a physical reminder of the need to maintain both of those relationships. As I parent, I need to remember that I hold the priesthood and that maintaining the Spirit of Christ in my home is a priority. I thought of the Play Like a Champion Today sign (maybe it's in Rudy?) famous in the Notre Dame football program. As the story goes, players touch the sign on their way out from the locker room before each game.

If it works for football, it can work for parenting, right? Well here's what I came up with:

Parent Like a Priesthood Holder today

Each night before bedtime this week, I've put my hand in the sign, to remember that the same hands I use to parent, are also laid on a child's head to give a blessing. The same mouth I use to parent is the same mouth that pronounces blessings. It has two scriptures on it - James 3:10 and Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-44. Seeing the scriptures and touching the sign has helped me remember my vision of parenting.

Going off on a tangent here - I'll try to bring it back, don't worry. I was discussing this a little with Jonathan (thanks for being my #1 reader bro!) this week. I lent him my Power of Habit audiobook, which discusses the concept of the habit loop: cue, routine, reward. The author uses the habit loop to illustrate that habits are changed when we change the routine, but keep the same cue and reward. Jonathan and I were sharing ideas about how this applies to parenting.

So what is the habit loop I'm trying to change? The cue can be something like Micah refusing to get his diaper on and/or kicking me in the face when I'm trying to do so. The routine - I use some kind of force (verbal or physical) to assert myself. The reward I'm seeking is control and respect - but really it comes down to power. The use of force does indeed provide that, although not in the way that I'd like.

By remembering that I hold the priesthood and acting worthy of it, I can obtain the same reward (power) from the same cues. I can be rewarded knowing that I maintain the ability to exercise priesthood power to bless my family. The routine I implement needs to be different, and clarifying the reward I'm seeking makes that easier to do.

Weekly Planning

For a while, Sadie and I were pretty good at having a planning session each week. Then when numero tres came along and classes were heating up for Sadie, we just didn't make it a priority. We probably still get to it about once a month, so I guess I'm still qualified to write about it.

We have topics we always talk about (kids, finances, highlights from the week), but most of our conversation focuses on a different topic each time. We decided on areas that were important to us, and rotate through them: financial, marriage, family, spiritual, home, fun activities, social, and career. For each subject, we discuss how things are going and make short-term and long-term goals, and review plans.

One that really worked out well for us was the fun activities. In past years, we planned out fun activities to do as a family each month. It gave us something to look forward to and helped us have balance. We've also planned service activities to do as a family.

Kid's Reality

Oops, I forgot to write yesterday! During Sadie's break from school, we've been doing kids' bedtime together, and as you might imagine, it's been going smoother. Where things a little easier, I haven't felt as much need to think about my parenting, so this blog hasn't been on my mind.

Anyways, lately I've been thinking about something I heard another dad say awhile back. He said one thing he's learned as a dad is that kids are in their own world, and often their world doesn't overlap with reality. They're still developing listening skills and it isn't realistic to expect them to always pick up on everything you say. It's like a Venn Diagram:

Remembering this has helped me have more patience when it seems like talking to my kids is like talking to a wall. 

Swimming blind

So I was about to go to bed and I realized I hadn't blogged this week yet! With the Olympics going on and everything, I thought I post a link to a story about Michael Phelps.
In the book I listened to last year, The Power of Habit, the author recounts the story of when Phelps won a gold medal in Beijing after his googles had filled with water. He talks about how his routines and habits helped him stay calm and overcome the challenge of swimming blind. Click the link, there are some good takeaways.

Smart Trust

Galileo said, "I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him." I try to incorporate this principle in my life, especially when it comes to parenting. Our vacation to Alaska was no exception (see Sadie's blog for a recap of the fun!), and Sadie and I talked a lot about what we could learn from Eric and Angie. They are far from ignorant, so we had a lot to talk about.

Among other things, Sadie and I talked about trust. How can we create an environment where our children feel trusted and empowered? We want to help them develop confidence, yet they still need so much help from us.

One crazy example we observed is our little nephew Paxson (4 years old) who was literally riding circles around me on his dirt bike and doing jumps. Wow, a four-year-old on a dirt bike; who woulda thought? Eric starts them early (age three), and teaches them the basics and sets clear guidelines.

This reminds me of a concept called Smart Trust in the book The Speed of Trust, by Stephen M.R. Covey (son of the famous Stephen Covey). Covey uses a 2x2 matrix to explain four quadrants of trust, with Propensity to Trust on one axis and Analysis on the other. The quadrants are Gullibility, Judgment, Indecision, and Suspicion. Judgment is the ideal quadrant, with high propensity to trust and high analysis. Covey states that the number one responsibility of all leaders (and I might add parents) is to inspire trust.

So how do we extend smart trust to our four-year-old? Well, we didn't go out and buy a dirt bike (not yet at least :)), so we started with something a little closer to home: bedtime. We (it was Sadie's idea) put together a bedtime basket for Arilyn, and put everything in it that she needs (toothbrush, head band, and every other thing she's ever used to delay bedtime). We told her she could do her bedtime basket anytime she wanted, and the earlier she did it, the more quiet time she gets. Well, so far it has worked really well. She loves it. Tonight she rushed to do her bedtime basket as soon as dinner was over. Who knows how long this will keep up? We can at least celebrate for this week.

Getting on the same Sheet1

I've been in Alaska on vacation this week, and time has just disappeared! Maybe it has something to do with the long daylight hours, or the non-stop scenery and wildlife, but either way I didn't put together a post. I figured this would happen, so I asked Jonathan to put together a post for me. Here it is:

Hello everyone! James asked me to do a guest post this week. I’m guessing it is because he’s in Alaska… I’m new to the blog writing world, so here goes my first try!

I assume most of the blog’s readers know me, but just in case, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Jonathan and I am James’ twin brother. I have a three-year old daughter, Cambria, and an almost two-year old, Corbin. I’m regular reader of Data Dad.

Today, I’d like to share a little tool that Melissa and I used that has helped us be a little more consistent in handling misbehavior. Since it involves Excel, it felt appropriate to share on DataData J.

At the end of the day, we reviewed the misbehavior (column A). We then decided on the rule and consequence. We also tried to identify if the misbehavior could be attributed to a need for power or control, in order to help us try to prevent it in the first place.  After about a week, we were able to identify some common themes that we could focus on.

This helped us not reinvent the wheel for every misbehavior. It also really helped to make the decision at a time when we could talk calmly and logically about what we wanted to do, instead of try to make the decision when I am beginning to be worn down. We’re also better able to talk to Cambria about the situation at a neutral time so that there can be a little more teaching involved when she is more ready to learn.

It also helped me be consistent, so that how I carry out consequences isn’t a function of my emotional state, but a response to Cambria’s behavior. I often struggle with how and when to address the misbehavior; knowing how I am going to respond ahead of time helps me stay calm when things get stressful. In theory, carrying out the consequence the first time will reduce “negotiating” and help teach Cambria where the limits are. Having the spreadsheet has also helped Melissa and I be more consistent between us, so that we don’t send mixed signals.

The spreadsheet doesn’t solve or address everything, but it has been helpful for us to be more consistent and to identify some root causes of some misbehavior. 

Examples:

Misbehavior: Tantrum when Corbin pushed the elevator button

Rule: Corbin pushes the outside button, Cambria pushes the inside button

Consequence: If Cambria pushes the outside button, she doesn't get to push the inside one

Misbehavior: Playing, stalling during bedtime

Rule: No playing until ready for bed and we still have time

Consequence: Toys are taken away if played with during the bedtime routine

Attention or power? We feel it comes from a need for control and power. 

Way to give it in a positive way?Cambria gets to choose the order of the bedtime routine, chooses if she wants help with her pajamas, etc. 

Be Happy

Last night Sadie and I were chatting, and I asked, "Are we happy?" It was the end of a hard night and a hard week or two. It seemed that every night someone was throwing an intense tantrum, and we were getting stressed. During the week, a good chunk of the time I spend with the kids is during bedtime, and when so much of that time involves negative interactions, I found it hard feel happy.

We (Sadie) said a heart-felt prayer, just trying to figure things out. Are we doing something wrong? Both of us felt tired of analyzing (yes, the data-dad tires of analysis), and we felt we needed something different. Something other than talks about logical/natural consequences, other than structure/empowerment, something besides techniques and flow charts.

We felt we need more love, understanding, and forgiveness (of ourselves and the kids). We need to be teachers, not dictators. We need to be more aware of their needs and abilities. We need more heart, laughter, and effort to be positive.

I read a talk during nap time today by Sister Holland entitled, "Parenting: Everything to do with the Heart." I really like this quote she shared:

"Communication is not nearly as much a matter of skill as it is of attitude. When our attitude is one of broken-heartedness and humility, of love and interest in our children’s welfare, then that cultivates communication. Our children recognize that effort on our part. On the other hand, when we are impatient, hostile, or resentful, it doesn’t matter what words we choose or how we try to camouflage our feelings. That attitude will be felt by their discerning hearts."

Sadie and I decided to start with a clean slate. We decided to take advantage of the Atonement, and not carry the negative feelings of the past into the future. Sure, we'll have more bad days and weeks, but we can be happy today and celebrate that. And we have.

That Ye Be Not Tempted

I am a fallen man. I am an imperfect parent. The temper I had as a kid, that lay dormant during years of relatively low stress, will sometimes manifest itself under the pressure and emotions that come parenting strong-willed, tired, preschoolers.

I need the influence of the Holy Ghost. I truly depend on the spirit and on Christ. I see how very incapable I am, how fallen I really am, and really, what a sinner I am. I want His influence in my life, but too often I make choices the reduce the influence of the Spirit in my life, and I am left exposed to the tendencies of my natural man.

The scriptures* teach us to pray to be protected against temptation and promise us that we will not be tempted beyond our ability to choose righteousness. I see a number of blessings from praying for protection against temptation:

1. By praying against temptation, I consciously recognize that temptation is real. As a result, I am on guard, and have an increased capacity to see temptations for what they are.
2. As I pray for strength against temptation, I concede that I am weak and I am unable to overcome the natural man on my own. Divine help and companionship of the spirit is essential to helping me make choices to overcome the tendencies of the natural man.
3. After I've prayed for protection against temptation, I can go forward with faith and confidence knowing that the Lord will assist me. When I recognize temptation for what it is, I know that the Lord has promised me that he wouldn't allow any temptation to come my way that was impossible for me to overcome.

I'm still building the habit of daily praying for protection against temptation, but when I do, I feel a tangible strength helping me recognize and overcome tendencies toward anger or frustration. The confidence, or hope really, builds on itself and engenders greater faith and hope as I am delivered from temptation.


*Many scriptures invite us to pray for protection from temptation
Alma 13:28 - "But that ye would humble yourselves before the Lord, and call on his holy name, and watch and pray continually, that ye may not be tempted above that which ye can bear, and thus be led by the Holy Spirit, becoming humble, meek, submissive, patient, full of love and all long-suffering;"
Matthew 6:13 - "And suffer us not to be led into temptation, but deliver us from evil"
1 Cor 10:13 - "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it."

p.s. - Back toward the beginning of the year, I spent a couple weeks writing an essay/talk exploring these ideas and feelings. Much of the above is from those reflections. See it here.

Shrink the Change, Small Wins

I feel like I'm always referencing the same books, but there are a lot of very applicable ideas in them (the current book I'm listening to isn't as directly applicable).

Switch discusses an idea called "Shrink the Change" - basically saying that if we can break the change down to make it seem less intimidating, we're more likely to get started on it. The authors give a lot of interesting examples ranging from marketing and business strategies to personal routines. One example was the five-minute house clean up. Instead of trying to clean everything, just tell yourself you'll clean for five minutes. This is much more doable, and often leads you to do more anyway.
A different but related concept is discussed in The Power of Habit. The author discusses how small wins can give you a little dopamine boost, which then makes future success more achievable. Small wins form what he calls "keystone habits" - those habits that build success which then make success possible in other, un-related areas of life. Keystone habits range from making the bed, to exercising, to budgeting.

So what does this have to do with parenting? I observed both of these concepts playing out with my dad dashboard, particularly the bedtime scores. I shrunk the change by just focusing on one night at a time. I created small wins for myself by getting the three stars. I found them motivating, and the success seemed to build on itself. Small successes create the momentum needed for bigger wins.

Moral of the story: Create and seek for small wins. Celebrate the little things.

Birthday Letters

A few weeks before Arilyn was born, I wrote her a letter. I addressed the letter to her future self, to be opened on the day that she leaves home and goes off on her own. I included some advice, some current events, and my love for her and Sadie.
Since that first letter, I have written each kid a letter on each of their birthdays. Writing these letters has become a special way for me to connect to them, set a vision, and preserve some memories. It helps me to see their potential, and try to counsel them in areas that I as a father may need at a future point in their life. The most recent letter I wrote to Arilyn, I decided to address it to her twelve-year-old self. I hope it can give her a boost and confidence for her as she enters her teenage years.

Adventure Time

I spend most of my blogging time this week updating the Dad Dashboard. It's still a work in progress, but it's coming along.

I just wanted to share a quick idea that's been working well for us in our evening routine. After we do clean-up time, we go on imaginary adventures. The kids love adventure time, and it's often (but not always) a good incentive for clean-up time.

It all started last winter when Micah just wanted do laps around the family room. I figured it was a good way to get energy out, so we all ran together. He and Arilyn kept wanting to do it each night, and after a few nights, we running to different places around town. I eventually got bored of running to Target, Midas, and Aldi, so I suggested we run to other places - the mountains, the beach, Brazil, France, the moon, etc.

It's entertaining how much the kids get into it. If we ever ride the train to a place, we can't just be done and go get ready for bed. We have to take the train back home (Arilyn get's really upset if she misses the train.) It's really fun to see the things they come up with, and it's a great way to get some energy out and set a light mood before the bedtime routine.

Father's Day Interview

This morning for Father's Day, I decided to ask my dad a few questions about his experience as a father. I wanted to record some of his thoughts and perspective for posterity. I figured I better start interviewing him now before he gets old and senile :). I was typing as we talked, so I missed some things, but I tried to piece together my notes.

What is your favorite part of being a dad?
Playing with my children and grandchildren. Seeing my children grow and being parents.

What's something you did as a dad that worked well?
I tried to instill in them my thoughts and feelings about good entertainment. I tried to limit TV and video games; I really didn't like them and I didn’t put up with them a lot. Looking back now, I think it worked out pretty well, as none of the kids are really hooked on video games or TV.
I taught them to work through example.
The nickel jar was a pretty good idea. It worked for 4 out of the 5 kids. [The nickel jar was a system where each kid had a jar, and when we did something good, we got a nickel (or a dime if it was extra good!). If we did something bad, we got a penny in the jar, which meant we'd lose a nickel. At some point, we got to count the change, subtract out the pennies, and then buy something with whatever we'd gained.]

What advice would you give to you a new/young dad?
“This too will pass” Hang in there. Don’t get angry with the crying and the fussing. Especially when they won’t listen to you, it’s hard. President Hinckley said not to spank children, and after I heard that, I really tried to live it.
Just them love them. Realize that they will grow up. Anything you do will influence them.
Make the conscience decision to enjoy the good times and bad times. There as a time when the older kids were really young and we were getting ready to go on a long road trip. I thought, "I'm not sure I can do this [put up with the whining, etc]." I then realized that I had a decision to make, and I could choose to enjoy the trip, so I did. A lot of life is just making a decision and sticking them them.
[From mom] Don’t forget to relish them. They grow up so fast. Pause and consider what an incredible experience this is. Relish the not so fun stuff as well. It’s a great experience in the bucket of life, and it passes quickly.

What advice would you to a father of older children?
Get them involved in music. Music was a very significant part of molding discipline and the group of friends of all the kids. A lot of positive things came from those skills and friendships. Encourage music from a young age.
Love kids unconditionally.
Teach the gospel. It is easy to forget about the foundation that the church provides. The things that the church demands from people are the things that parents are trying to teach. Think of paragraph seven in the family proclamation. (two sentences ending with "wholesome recreational activities"). Remember to smile, laugh, play, and create memories.

What would you different if you could do it over again?
I would have tried to laugh together more. Do more family entertainment and create memories. We did a good job with annual vacations, but could have done more.


At the end, my dad asked me about my perspective of his parenting, and what I learned from him. The first thing I said was that they helped instill in me confidence that I could do whatever I put my mind to. They told me I could do anything, and I really believed that, and it helped me achieve. I also appreciated the trust and freedom they gave me to make choices/mistakes.
I learned a lot from my dad's example of work and service. I told my dad of a time at church when one of my young men's leaders was describing a man who exemplified priesthood service. A man who came early, stayed late, and was always willing to volunteer. After describing this person, he then identified the man as my dad. I was really proud to be his son at that moment.

And of course, you can't forget another piece of advice he gave me, that still helps me regularly: "Now son, if ever need to wipe your fingers, and you don't have a napkin, just use the top of your sock."

Thanks for your great example, dad. I love you.

Dashboard - Part 2

Wait, hold on, what exactly is a dashboard anyway? After talking with Sadie a little, it occurred to me that the term "dashboard" is a little business-y, and that the way I was using the word, might not mean the same for everybody else.

For me, a dashboard is a visual display of data (or an aggregation of data) that makes it easy to see how you're performing relative to your goals. Well, how do you know what it will look like? It depends on the behavior you're trying to promote. It's good to show what the goal is and your progress/performance relative to that goal. Dashboards can be fun and creative - there are tons of ways to display the same information.

With that in mind, the dashboard I came up with is just for my personal dad goals. Not a lot of data here, so the displays are pretty simple, but I think they get the job done. Okay, so it's really not much of a dashboard yet, but it has some potential. Go to the Dad Dashboard page to see it.

As part of the dashboard, I also wanted to be more aware of the kids' needs. I thought, what could I put in the dashboard to help me help them? I wanted to create a profile for each of them, thinking through their personality, how they learn, their challenges, areas for growth, etc.

I started with personality. Instead of trying to label them with a personality type from any personality test, I instead tried to find words that describe them. I stumbled upon the Big 5 Personality Traits, and talked through them with Sadie on our way to the temple this weekend, trying to figure out where Arilyn and Micah fall.

It was much harder than I first thought. In our very unscientific approach, we recalled different instances of how the kids have reacted in different situations and how we've seen their personality manifest itself. It was difficult to separate actual personality from just life as a two-year old. I'm not sure how accurate our assessments were, but it was still a very productive conversation to think about their personalities, and the best ways we can to do work with them.

Next week I'll fill out the kid profiles a little more, and hopefully polish up the dashboard too. If this isn't dad-driven fatherhood, I don't know what is. :). Of course, the data is in no way a replacement for warm, human, intutive interactions. I just hope to give myself more tools.

Oh, and Happy Father's Day!

Dashboard - Part 1

Dashboards have been on my mind a lot lately. I just finished up a big project at work, building a new web dashboard for team leads. The idea was to give TLs the tools and information they need to make it easier for them to do the right thing - staying on top of their management responsibilities and growing/engaging their team members. It was a really fun project and I received a lot of positive feedback.

Although different in many ways, there are some parallels between being a parent and a team leader. Both need to respect the viewpoints and decisions of their team members while encouraging them to grow. Both provide guidance and correction while working toward a goal. Both establish expectations and delegate responsibilities. If a dashboard can help TLs, can it help dads?

What would a dad dashboard look like? What are my key performance indicators? What can I do to grow and engage my team members (children)? Can I measure and track my own progress and the progress of my kids? Maybe, maybe not. Collecting and maintaining the data will be the hardest part (putting a SQL backend on my dad dashboard might be a little overkill), but there are simple things I can do.

For my own stats, what are the behaviors I want to engage in? Playtime, teaching (spiritual, character development, education, etc), serving/loving Sadie, constructive discipline/correction, having fun.

What do I need to know about each of my kids? What is unique about their personality? (pick your favorite personality test). What are their learning styles? Love languages? What are their current challenge/ struggles? Areas for growth? What makes them happy/sad/mad/excited?

Usually I like to post about ideas I've already tried, but this time I want to challenge myself (and YOU, imaginary reader) to come up with a dashboard by next week. Am I making this complicated? Potentially. The important thing is to just think through some of these ideas, and come up with one or two goals.

Why? President Monson said, "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates." If setting goals is natural in other areas of life, it most certainly should be part of one of my most important roles - fatherhood.

Willpower is a Muscle

The last three books I've listened to (Switch by Chip and Dan Heath, Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman, and The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg) have all referenced the same study about cookies and radishes. Long story short: one group was asked to eat radishes while resisting the temptation of cookies, and the other group was asked to do the opposite. Afterwards, both groups were asked to complete an unsolvable puzzle; the group whose willpower was depleted due to resisting cookies, gave up much faster. This concept is referred to as Ego Depletion.

Kahneman talks a lot about the two systems our brain uses for decision making. System one is the fast, emotional, reactive system; system two is the effortful, logical, disciplined system. When system two is compromised or tired, system one takes over. There are many others who have described this same concept with different terms, but it is very helpful for me to think of my decision making in this way.

These ideas have really helped me become more aware of my own emotions in my parenting. Before I learned about this concept, sometimes I would start losing patience because I was losing patience, if you know what I mean. Say the kids are having a hard time with something, then I start reacting to their emotions instead of acting like the adult. It's very easy to get caught up in the emotion and keep reacting until one of us is out of control.

Now, when I feel myself starting to feel frustrated, I try to mentally step back and assess my emotional state. Am I tired? Hungry? Did I have a hard day at work? Has something else been on my mind? By thinking about patience as a limited resource, I've been able to cut myself some slack and reset expectations. Just like my muscles can get tired, so can my willpower. I try to recognize which system in my brain is dictating my decisions.

The same is very true of the kid's own behavior too. Are they tired? Hungry? Having a hard day? It's such an obvious thing, but sometimes I forget consider those things as I try to teach them and meet their needs.

Have Fun

I really could end this post with just the title. It should be that simple: being a dad is fun. Kids love to have fun, and sometimes I forget that I'm still a kid that likes to have fun too. Too often, I find myself getting serious, thinking too much about routines, rules, etc. Although these things are important, taking time to be silly is just as important.

I've been on vacation visiting my brother and his family this week, and we've had a blast. We knew routines would be off, and we were okay with that. The kids have just loved exploring, doing fun things, and playing with new toys. The frustrating part for me though is that they're having so much fun, they're having a really hard time listening. For meal time or bedtime, it's like I'm invisible. They're so caught up in what they're doing, they act like they don't hear me.

It's times like these I need to remind myself to have a little fun. Yes, no one likes to be ignored, but they are in their own little world. I just need to get inside that world of play and fun, connect with them, and then remind them it's time to [clean up, get to the table, brush teeth].

I've found this is especially helpful with Micah. That boy just wants to play and be silly. He does much better if I tell him he has a few minutes of silly time before we put on PJs. Allowing myself to be silly also reminds me that being a dad is fun, and helps me let go of whatever is starting to get me frustrated.

This vacation has also reminded me to importance of doing fun things as a family. My brother is all about helping his kids create fun memories and living life to have fun. He is a great example of a "successful marriage and family [that is] established and maintained upon ...wholesome recreational activities" Life can be so much more enjoyable. when I just relax, stop thinking about messes and planning, and just be in the moment.

Yes, Yes

The book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" states that to win someone to your way of thinking, start with questions to which the other person will answer "yes." Another book I read recently, "Thinking, Fast and Slow," has some interesting research on this idea from a psychological perspective and how our decisions are influenced by so many subtle cues around us.  This technique of starting with small "yes"s is used by anyone from people selling stuff, to candidates running for president of the United States.

I'll sometimes try this with the kids, although Arilyn doesn't fall for it as much anymore. When I start asking questions, she catches on and will just say, "I don't know." It was actually really funny the other day when she used this technique with Micah, trying to convince him we should have oatmeal instead of pancakes for breakfast:

• Arilyn: Micah, do you remember when we had instant oatmeal this week?
• Micah: Yea.
• Arilyn: Did you get to put lots of raisins in it? Did you like lots of raisins?
• Micah: Yeah!

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I witnessed this going on. She's a little too smart for her own good.

I find I usually use this when it's clean up time. "Are these your shoes? Did you play with them today? Is it your job to put them away?"

Not a sure-fire technique (nothing ever is), but I do find it works sometimes.

Bad Day, Good Data

When I  started this blog, I wanted to make sure I stayed real. I don't want to come across as an expert by any means. I wish I could say that I consistently practice each of the concepts I've blogged about so far, but I can't say that.

What I can say though is that this blog is helping me be a better dad, as I seek understanding and practice tips to blog about. When I have a rough night, the best thing for me to do is replay what happened and analyze. For you programmers out there, it's like opening up the debugger and stepping through each method, line by line until you identify the bug.

As I've mentioned before, I did an internship at VitalSmarts a while back. There is a chapter in their "Change Anything" book called "Be the Scientist and the Subject" which talks about turning bad days into good data. Well, I decided to give that a shot this past week after I had a night where I wasn't the parent I wanted to be.

Honestly, self-analyzing gets a little exhausting, but being a dad isn't for sissies, so I tried to stick it out and really figure this out. I realized I've already identified strategies that work (like the Temper Triangle and the Teaching Flowchart); it's just that I forget about them or do a poor job executing them.

I decided to start a spreadsheet to identify some key data points. My spreadsheet just has a few columns to make it quick and easy for me. As an end-user of my own spreadsheet, I knew it had to be quick and easy to do if I was going to be doing it each night. Here's what I came up with

• Date
• Crucial Moment (a term borrowed from the VitalSmarts authors as well)
• Notes
• Next Time

For both good nights and bad night, I identified the moment that seemed to make or break the evening. On nights where there was a tantrum and I handled it well, I asked myself, "What was it I did that helped the situation turn into a learning experience?" On the night I yelled, I took a step back and thought, "What one decision could I have changed so that I could have been in a better position to handle myself better?"

For better or worse, once I started this data collection, I observed the Hawthorne Effect in my own behavior, so my data from this week has only been positive. I find that when I become an objective observer of my own behavior and I know I'm being "watched" my behavior improves. But more than that, I was able to identify patterns in the good nights and recognize the good things I am doing.

Feedback and Praise

Not too long ago, I noticed that praise sometimes had the opposite effect of what I intended. I would notice Arilyn do something good, and I'd say, "Thanks for doing that Arilyn!" Sometimes she'd reply, "I don't want you to say 'thank you'" or she'd stop doing whatever it was I noticed. I asked myself, "How am I supposed to reinforce positive behavior when drawing attention to it seems to deter the very behavior I want to see more of?"

I googled around a bit and found an article that gave me some good insight (sorry, I can't find it again, or else I'd link to it!). My main takeaway was that instead of labeling a behavior as good or bad, state your observation and identify its natural consequences. The article also said that some kids, like many adults, aren't quite sure how to react to "thank you." Have you ever had someone say "thank you" for some trivial thing, and thought, "uhh, you're welcome. I guess."

If I am honest with myself, the main motivation for my "thank you" wasn't really that I appreciated what she was doing. Really, I was trying to influence her behavior and try to get her to do more of what I wanted her to do. Kids are pretty perceptive, and like the rest of us, don't want to feel manipulated.

I tweaked my approach a little, and I found I felt better about the feedback I gave, and the kids seemed to respond to it better. "Arilyn, I see that you put your plate in the sink! Thanks, that helps keep the kitchen clean." "Arilyn, you brushed your teeth without me having to ask you! Your teeth can be happy teeth now." "Micah, you put your shoes away! Now we know where to find them next time!"

This principle goes beyond parenting. In the workplace, giving feedback to coworkers is very important. You can find tons of business-y articles about effective ways to give feedback, and they focus on the same idea - explain your observation, be specific, explain the impact, be positive, etc. I find that I have more positive interactions with my kids when I remember that they are real people, and I need to treat them with the same (if not more) respect that I would treat a team member or coworker.

The classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People" has a whole section on giving sincere praise. Carnegie gives several examples showing that people know when praise is insincere or manipulative. I want to give praise abundantly to my kids, but I need to make sure it is heartfelt.

I still say "good job" or give a simple "thank you." But the more often I make the effort to be specific and sincere, the more effective I find my praise and feedback.

Best Things a Father Can Do

My goal is post at least once each week, and technically my last post was on Saturday. I already know I won't time time the rest of this week to post, so here's a quick thought from Elder Christofferson's talk from the last General Conference.

This video quote sums it up beautifully: "Loving the mother of his children - and showing that love - are two of the best things a father can do for his children."

I have felt the truth of this statement many times. First, a loved mother is a happier mother. When Sadie feels appreciated and loved, she is better enabled in her divine role as a nurturer. She has a special ability to love and teach in a way that I can't, so I try my best to remove any obstacles that prevent her from doing that. I see one of my roles as a father as filling the emotional gas tank of the mother of my children.

Another truth I have found is that children feel more secure and loved when they see love being shown. Sadie has taught me a ton about this. I didn't think of myself as a real "huggy" person before we got married, but I'm learning how important it is (and I'm enjoying it!). The kids love "sandwich hugs." When they see mom and dad hugging, they run over and squeeze in between us to make a sandwich.

Taking care of a garden is a lot more than just watering the plants. Preparing the soil and keeping the weeds out is just as import to help the plants grow strong and healthy. To be the best dad for my children, I need to focus on their mother.

Power struggle

I needed to get some emotions out, and Sadie encouraged me to write in my journal or to blog. What I came up with is half journal, half blogish. It's a bit of a word-vomit and uncensored in the sense that I just wrote my emotions for what they were, not what I felt they should be. So proceed with caution :)

Tonight was one of those nights. I feel trapped. It’s a cycle that keeps feeding on itself. I’m so worried about reinforcing negative behavior. I want to feel respected. Arilyn continued to make demands for things to be done in a certain way or by a certain person, and refused to say please, to talk nicely. I feel like I can’t let her know that it’s okay to talk like she does, but she continues to get out of control as I refuse to acquiesce to her demands.  This turns into a power struggle.

Sometimes I just want to say, “I’m dad, and you listen to me because I said so.” I actually said that at one point tonight, but even as the words left my lips, I knew it was futile. It just doesn’t work. It’s not the parenting style we’ve developed up to this point, and the kids aren’t trained to respond to that. We try so hard to give them choices, to empower them in their own little world, but when they’re tired and we’re tired, that system breaks down. Decision making, defining choices and consequences takes a lot more mental effort. When my disciplined, patient, self-monitored, logical brain is worn out my impulsive, reactive, emotional brain takes over (concept from Thinking, Fast and Slow – book review to come sometime later).

How do we patch this “gap” in our parenting? Yes, we want to teach them and empower them, but the reality is that this concept breaks down, on both sides. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like a three- or two-year-old is really ready for some of the concepts we try to introduce.

Sadie and I talked for a little tonight, and she came up with an idea. We set expectations that some decisions are Arilyn (or Micah) decisions and some decisions are mommy and daddy decisions. We need to ask them to trust us that we’re doing what is best for them. They do need to understand that some things are not negotiable. We hope (cross your fingers) that by clearly differentiating what is their choice and what is not, they can still feel the power they need to develop their own sense of control.

The skeptic in me sees many ways this won’t work. That’s okay. We’ll try this, and continue to work out the kinks.

I also need to express how grateful I am for Sadie. We seem to trade off having hard nights, and strengthen each other and are each other’s counselor. I stayed level-headed tonight, but I was pretty flustered and had to tap out. Sadie encouraged me to put my data-dad hat on. I didn’t want to. I was just tired, and tired of dealing with everything. But I knew she was right, and I knew her counsel was directed by the Spirit. I resisted for a few more minutes, but then started to write.

So how did things finally get resolved tonight? Well, things got tense for a little bit. I made a few reactive ultimatums (“if you come out of your bed one more time, I’m going to take your frog away. Now repeat back, what will happen if you come out of your room?”) and then followed through with them. This only heated up the situation as Arilyn went ballistic because she came out of her room having forgotten our conversation from only a few minutes before. I had made it through what was now an hour-long tantrum without losing my own temper, but I was close to the breaking point. I just went into my own world, doing the dishes.

At this point, Sadie stepped in again. Earlier, Sadie and mentioned that the spirit was gone. All of us had been a bit on the rude, power-struggle mentality. When Sadie talked to Arilyn to help calm her down, Sadie did one of the best things to invite the spirit back – testify of the Savior. Sadie explained how Jesus has felt our pain and is always there for us to help us feel his love. After Arilyn calmed down, Sadie pointed out the difference in how we were feeling from earlier, and explained the influence of the Spirit. Kids are remarkably sensitive to the spirit and they crave spiritual instruction. We need to keep that in mind as we continue on this journey that is parenthood.